I know it has been a while since I have written anything. And, it's not that I haven't had anything to write, life had just gotten in the way. One of my favorite responses to people when they ask me, "How are you doing?" is "Probably better than I should". You see I have made happiness a choice. Each day I wake up and know that I have one chance to make it a good day. No, as I have often said, this is not the way I figured my life. This just was not in the Tanyia Conner master plan. But, I am a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle so I guess you can say, He has the confidence in me to handle each task that is ahead of me. So, I face each day with confidence.
One thing I have discovered is that everyone has an opinion of how I should feel. It is too soon for this, or poor thing she is just so beside herself with grief that is why she stays so busy. To those people I say simply pshaw. I stay busy because it is what I love to do. I am doing the things that I truly love to do. For the first time in my life, I have the ability to just let go and listen to my heart. I am picking and choosing what I want to do. I have a passion for my faith. I am by no means hiding behind God to mask my sadness. But, my church is where I not only feel the most peaceful, it is where I am accepted where I am. Yes, they ask how I am doing, but not in the same way others do. They know I am trying to move on with my life. It is where I here things like, "I am so proud of you" and "You are such a positive person." Yep, by staying positive I am able to face each hurdle as it comes. One by one, I am overcoming each obstacle and adjusting to my new life.
Recently I h,ad the opportunity to go Cursillo at Camp Allen. For those who are not Episcopalian, it's kind of like a retreat. We were on God's time. All watches and clocks were removed for me that was not hard. The silent retreat which lasted about 12 hours was brutal. Those of you who know me personally, know being quiet is not one of my strong suits. I am for lack of better words a blabbermouth. But, it gave me time to think. And, to listen. Sometimes we are so busy thinking that we don't listen to the voice inside which is guiding us toward something. I had asked for a private room because on occasion I had been crying myself to sleep. That first night was the last night I cried myself to sleep. I had jokingly told my sponsor that I did not sleep well with strangers. In fact, I told her, "What if I fart in my sleep?" Being the true Angel she is, Susan managed to get me a private room. These night alone gave me an opportunity to reflect and plan what I want to do with the rest of my life. And, you know what, I came to a couple of conclusions.
First, I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am not giving up my dream of being a chaplain. With every once of my being, I know that this is what I was made to do. My training as a counselor and Stephen Minister have led me to this path. When Patrick was in St. Luke's, I have the privileged of meeting Dr. Ann Brotherton. She is one of the Episcopal Priests in the hospital. She and I talked about it and the staff even called with training information. But, now is not the time. I do believe it will happen, but in God's time. So for now, to feed myself spiritually, I will become involved in other Ministries at Good Shepherd. I am going to return to my level of involvement prior to Patrick's illness. Last Sunday, I told Father Bob I wanted to return to Children's Church. My friend Trish has put me in charge of the silent auction at the Octoberfest. I told her to keep me busy, well she took me at my word. Thanks Trish for being yo
Second, I am not comfortable being alone. Yes, I have proven to myself that I can do it. I no longer go to sleep with all the lights on. I am now down to just the TV on low for background noise. Okay, okay, I do have a wonderful security system which includes a video surveillance system. But, that is besides the point. I like company. Remember, I talk a lot. Yes, I have three super canine pals, but they are not the best conversationalists. I want to giggle and laugh. This is who I am. I need to do these things as much as breath. This is part of me. It makes me who I am. So, my friends will be seeing a lot more of me sooner than they thought.
Third, I am a lot stronger than many give me credit for being. I recently told someone about how stressful my week had been, but I refused to let it get the best of me. After I give the Reader's Digest version of my drama, I was told but you are a woman. Yep, I am, but I am a strong and independent woman. No one has ever really "taken care of me." Patrick with all his wonderful qualities, never "took care" of me. I did a lot on my own. I can plumb a toilet, fix a light, paint a room, do yard work and these were things I did before I was alone. Since then I have negotiated with repairmen and contractors, which led to the renovation of my back yard. I have remodeled my closet. And, I have found that I am a pretty good housekeeper. I just don't like to do it as I feel there are a lot better ways to spend my time. Genieva has cleaned my house for years and even took care of Patrick which allowed me to work. She jokes when she comes over now that she really doesn't know what to do. "Can you make me a list of something to do?" she begs. I don't know that I would be able to be "taken care of". Sure there are things that it would be great to have someone do for me. I don't like lizards or spiders or roaches or .......the list could go on and on. But the question for me be would I ever be able to relinquish some of this independence. That is doubtful. During my marriage to Patrick, I walked a step behind. I let him be the center of attention. He could be bigger than life. But, in the background, I was going to graduate school. Graduating from UH with a 3.89 for my MS in Counseling and a perfect 4.0 for my MEd from Lamar University. He always told me I was the brain in the family. When we would talk about schooling, he often times made me feel that he envied me.
Funny, I felt lost and just wanted him to notice me. But, all of this has formed me into the woman I am today. Yes, I am a woman, but I am strong and independent ready to stand on my own. When the time comes, I will need someone to walk beside me not in front or behind. But, I have to admit, I wouldn't mind someone to take some of the pressure off of me. I will miss Patrick everyday for the rest of my life. But, the last thing we talked about was my future. During our last coherent conversation, Patrick told me. "I want you to live a life full of happiness. Live for both of us. I will never leave you. You won't know I am there, but I will be. Don't be afraid, you are strong. You are smart, you can do anything you put your mind to. And, most of all listen with your heart. It has never let you down yet."
So, as I stand on the precipice of my life, I breath in with a new vigor. For me, in the immortal words of Celine Dion, "A New Day Dawns."
