People Who Need People Are The Luckiest People in the World

Having gone from being Daddy's little girl to being some one's wife shows that I have been leaning heavily on someone most of my life.  So, I am not really sure where this one is going but, just stay with me and we will find out.  The fourth thing needed for an Extraordinary performance is people according to Behenna.  She goes on to say that productivity can be increased by showing appreciation to others.  Networking through clubs and organizations also make these much needed "people" connections.  And, forming a peer group to brainstorm ideas is yet a third pillar of this stage.  Let me look at each of these individually to see if I can come up with a universal truth. 

Showing appreciation can increase productivity.  Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this in a business or classroom, but how is this going to help me find who I am.  After all, Behenna's message could be easily adapted to me until this time.  Wasn't finding me supposed to involve me going out on my own and finding my wings.  How can I do this if I have to depend on people?  And, really, exactly what am I going to show appreciation about?  I have thought on this for a while and I realize that showing appreciation doesn't mean that I have to constantly be complimenting someone or brown nosing.  It means being able to say "Thank you." even for the smallest things.  But, most important you pay kindness forward.  Have you ever noticed when you are in a store, if you make eye contact and smile at the clerk they will respond to you.  "Just minute and I will be right with you"  or  "How can I help you?"  Sit there and just look around, and yes they may eventually come up to you, but it will take longer unless you have a pro of a salesperson.  Try it next time.  My children always tell me that I talk to strangers too much. "No one wants to know your life story, Mom.  Just get to the point."  But, I don't see it as telling my life story, I see it as making a connection.  Recently, I bought a pair of ear rings for my daughter to wear at her wedding.  I walked into Jared's gave my sweetest smile to a young man and asked where the pearl and diamond ear rings were.  As I told him how my son was going to walk my daughter down the aisle because her father had recently passed, he looked at me and took several pair of ear rings back.  Then he took me to show me another pair.  They were significantly less than I had planned on spending but they were perfect.  He told me that his girlfriend had been looking at these and said they were for a really special occasion.  I knew that he understood, I needed something not expensive but special.  As I completed my purchase, I stopped by and told the manager what an awesome salesman the young man was once again flashing my sweetest smile.  Now, the minute I walk the young salesman runs up to me.  First, he asks what I need specifically.  Then he shows me what he has plus something he has found that he thinks is just "special".  Now I know what you are thinking.  Tanyia, that is what salesmen are supposed to do.  True to a point, but not to the point of personally e-mailing you pictures of new items in stock. 

I was once told that I was rude and abrupt.  This devastated me and was actually the beginning of the worst year of my life which culminated in the death of my husband.  I am not rude.  I always say please and thank you.  I smile .......a lot.  And, I always hold the door for people.  Often abruptness is confused with bluntness.  They are not the same.  I am a call it like I see it girl, not a let me shield your feelings girl.  My feeling is if you didn't want an honest answer, you never should have asked me in the first place.  Since I have discovered this, I now have no problem going up to strangers and saying, "Hey, you can be perfectly honest with me.  I will never see you again.  What do you think about......   or How do I look in this?"  It is amazing how well this works.  After thinking about it, I realized that appreciation is more than please and thank you.  It is acknowledging that someone has expertise in an area.  Asking them for their honest opinion can be like giving them the power to be an expert in something.  And, I don't know about you but I love to feel like I can do something really well.

I recently told my children that I love my dogs, but they are simply not the best conversationalist.  Being alone, now means that I have to look to outside sources to exercise my people skills.  If I don't I could become the crazy dog lady you see on TV and we all know that we feel sorry for her because she is coo-coo.  I don't want pity, I want someone to discuss politics, religion and other controversial topics.  I don't want to look glassy eyed in the camera and talk like my dogs are people.  They are special wonderful creatures, but not people.  Therefore, we need people not just for companionship but to strengthen our minds.  When we stop talking our brain stops as well.  People keep us sharp.  That is why my therapist and friends pushed me to join a photography club and go to the writer's conference.  (To be honest I am a bit excited about that.)  Then it hit me, it's not depending on people to do things for you, it is having the ability to nourish companionship and allow the neurons in our brain to rapid fire as we engage in conversation.  Stepping out of our box means making new connections, meeting new people, opening up....in other words... living again.  Yes, it's hard but this can be a wonderful time.

I miss Patrick more than anyone can possibly image.  He wasn't the best husband, but he was mine.  He was my world.  Now I have a new world.  I realized that in a way as a widow I have been given a remarkable opportunity.  I get the great do-over.  I get to roll the dice again and move past go to collect my $200.00.  But, to truly find me, I will need guidance, reassurance and love from others.  Okay, maybe Streisand had something when she sang People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Bringing on Your "A" Game

Have you ever had one of those weeks when you look up at the sky and just go, "Really???"  This has been one such week.  Living alone is an adjustment.  And, I have to admit, not being on a 5:00 a.m. wake up call is an adjustment (a wonderful one, but still an adjustment).  My body is still thinking that this is my summer and we sleep until 9 or 10.  So getting up at 7 and ready for work can be difficult.  And, of course, I have the zoo to feed and let out.  And, with no help, my morning events begin to run together.  Yesterday I woke up and figured it was too early as it was dark in my room only to find that the pool guys had put plastic over my windows and were spraying gunite.  Opps, ran late that day.  And, today was the crowning blow.  Today, I had a 9 am meeting in Houston.  Now, if you live outside a big city, you know traffic can be bad and a 25 minute trip during mid-day will take an hour or more during "drive-time".  I got up, let the crew out, began doing my hair.....What my Chi won't turn on???? I fiddle with it and finally realize the plug has kicked off so I set the reset switch...Good...Catastrophe 1- averted.  Things begin to get back on schedule.  I go make coffee and get my clothes out of the dryer.  Finish getting ready.  Feed the crew and put them in their kennels.....7:29.....THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!! Right on schedule.  I sling my bag over my shoulder.  Grabbing my  IPAD, phone, coffee, and Weight Watcher's Breakfast sandwich I head for the door.  It is now 7:35....Quickly, I set the alarm.....Grab the door and I am off.  It is not until I hear the door shut behind me that I realize....my keys are on the counter.  I can't go to the meeting, I can't go to work, I can't get back into the house.  So, like any reasonable woman I grab the door, violently shake the lock and curse loudly as if the magic words "You SOB" will open the door.  Oh and did I mention there was a crew working on my pool.  They are watching this in amazement I am sure.....well maybe most of them probably didn't speak much English.  Yet, there was no doubt I was not a happy camper. 

Okay T....This is not going to work.  Let's formulate plan B.  I will call JR.  For those of you who know my son, you know that on several occasions I have had a wee bit of difficulty getting him to answer the phone.  I call once.....as usual no answer.  Don't panic......I call a second time and a sleepy voice finally picks up.  I explain my situation and he says he will be right over.  Okay this day can still be salvaged.  I sit on my back deck.  Flies are on me like old garbage.  After a while of swatting them away, I spy some good old Raid Yard Guard.  I quickly spray it.....flies leave...Now, I am just left with the heat. I look at the time, it has been 20 minutes.  JR should be here soon.  Then my phone rings.  And, you guessed it it was JR, "Mom where exactly are you and what was the problem again?"   ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!  

Once again I explain my problem.  To make a long story short, I get into the house at 8:45.  No longer am I fresh.  I have sweat, my hair has frizzed (so much for getting my Chi to work), and to top it off there is no way I can make the meeting.  So, I decided to go onto work.  And, continued to have a wonderful day.  I met JR for lunch at Schlotzkey's where the lemonade machine stuck and over flowed onto the floor as I desperately tried to get it to shut off.  I return to work sticky hands and all about half an hour late.  Not bad considering all the running around I did.  And, I have to admit, as I look back the day wasn't so bad. 

Now, folks, that is the power of attitude.  I could have gone to work and just had an awful day.  But, instead, I brought my A Game.  From my luncheon the other day Teresa Behenna stated that attitude was the third key ingredient to becoming extraordinary.  And, that is what finding yourself is about.  Becoming the extraordinary person God has made, even if we don't realize it.  He has made us to do extraordinary things.  But, we have to be willing to learn new ways of working.  For me, I am going to give a neighbor a key and hide one in a remote location in the event this happens again.  Having to depend on a man even if it is my son made me feel helpless and like I took a step back.  Next, I need to build relationships with others.  I have a very hard time asking for help.  I liked to think that I am very self sufficient.  However, in reality, I pretty much let Patrick take care of me.  So, I must now sow these relationships that in the past I let lay dormant.  Back to making sure my neighbors know that although I can be a goof, I am a wonderful goof.  Finally, according to Behenna, the third key to attitude is to stay humble, likable and teachable.  It is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks and I am not too good to ask for help.  But, more than that, I have to be able to let all the garbage kind of just fall off and develop the Scarlett O'Hara philosophy that tomorrow is another day. 

So the moral of this story lies at Schlotzskys at the lemonade machine.  I just wanted a tad bit put in my ice tea to make it a bit sweeter....Instead I got lemonade.  And, that's really not so bad if you are able to flow with the tide.  So, bring it on world....I am planning on making lots of lemonade.

The Art of Persistence

  Well, I have just returned from a wonderful weekend in Austin with my daughter.  One of the reasons I wanted to get away is that the 21st marked the third month of my husband's passing.  Funny word...passing.  We pass cars on the freeway, we pass tests, we pass up desserts, heck we even pass the bread and butter.  So, the word passing has become a kinder gentler way of saying death.  They just pass from one dimension into the next, they pass on into heaven- or so we hope.  This trip was difficult as I left my 16 year old Boston Terrier, Missy at death's door as well.  She was quite ill when I took her into the vet's office on Thursday.  In fact, Dr. Osborne did not belive that she would make it.  I cried and cried....Yes, I know it is a dog.  But, I had the dog for 16 years and Patrick was the one who picked her out.  All I could think was, "Well, he must want a dog in heaven."  I believe that dogs go to heaven even though I have been assured by my Pastor they don't.  But, as I write today, she is up and moving around.  Doing her usual thing, eating and sleeping.  Okay folks, she is 16 after all.....well over 100 in human years and old folks sleep a lot.  When I picked her up yesterday Vicki, the Vet Tech, told me Dr. Osborne had little faith Missy would pull through.  "But, Ms. Conner, I told him Missy always looks like this when she comes in so not to be to hasty."

     "Wow,"  I thought.   "Missy's persistance to keep coming back like a Timex was amazing."  Remember I told you about the luncheon I went to last week.  Well, the second point in success is persistance.  And, in finding who we are, we need to be persistant in our quest.  Begin asking yourself the had questions.  Like, "How can I develop my passion.", "What is out there for me to expand my horizons?" 

     Over the years, I have told many of my good friends that I really love to write.  Like I have previously stated, I have begun a novel, written several poems, and short stories.  But, my lone published item was a poem I wrote for my dad which was on the cover of his funeral service.  I really had no idea how to go public.  Blogging is a great medium for this.  But, when I began my blogs that was not why I did it.  I really just wanted for other spouses or significant others to know that they weren't alone and for others to realize that grieving is not a short term issue.  We have bben living in a huge glass globe and a really big giant has shaken the globe so hard one of the figures is destroyed and now we have to wait for the snow to settle.  So, I began writing.  But, I have never had anyone really look at my writings to see if they were in deed any good. 

     As many of you know, I have been in therapy for some time.  First it was marital issues, then issues relating to Patrick's illness, and now grief.  Dr. B has been after me to get involved in something (her way of saying...Find your passion).  As we spoke, I told her I had chosen three activities in which I wanted to become more involved.  First, photography, you know I have that really cool camera Patrick gave me for Christmas.  Second, Good Shepherd Episcopal Church, I was very involved and had to back off some of the activities.  Now I have the time to recommit to them.  And, third, writing.  As she listened to me and I actually listened to myself, it became apparent that my true passion is writing.  She encouarge me to find groups which foster these talents.  So, today I took the persistant approach and I have joinded not only a photography club, but am registered for a writier's workshop this weekend.  A very good friend of mine called me this morning regarding an article she had seen in the Galveston Daily News regarding a Writer's Workshop near me.  After I hung up, I found the article, did the research and am going.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to really define my passion. 

     Persistance..... For so long, I have been so involved in making others comfortable.  This includes but is not limited to my husband, my children, my employer, my colleagues and to some point me. I did not persistantly nurture who Tanyia really and truly is.   I have to make myself be a little uncomfortable to grow.  It's time for me to step out of the box.  I am still young enough to persue my dreams.  And, you never know one day you may be at the local store and see a book by me....Hey, I remember when I used to read this gal's blog......

Developing A Passion

 
Thinking Outside of the Box

I had the priveledge of attending a luncheon today put on by the Houston Women's Business Initiative.  The speaker was the fabulous Theresa Behenna, motivational speaker, author, pianist and recording artist.  Her topic was "Extraordinary Performance:  The New Norm for Tough Times."  Yes, I know this was meant to be a discussion of business in our trying economic times, but her words of wisdom also hit home personally for me as well.  She listed 5 points to excellence.

Point 1-  Passion
Since the death of Patrick, I have been on auto pilot.  All I could think of was, "I have to get through the end of the school year.  I have to get through all of Ashley's showers.  I have to get through the Rehersal dinner.  I have to get through Ashley's wedding."  My days have been a blur.  It was today when I realized that my passion had become "Just getting through".  Not something I am particullarly proud of but that is where I am. So, now I realize that I need to find what I am passionate about.

I enjoy lots of things. Reading, but I don't see myself as part of a book club. Reading what someone tells me to read reminds me too much of school. And it took me several years before I picked up a book for pleasure after I graduated from A&M. So, I do not feel passion is there. I love my animals. A friend of mine told me that my dogs would become very important during this process. She was right. They listen without trying to give me advice. Mr. C even let's me put my head on him when I am crying. And, he has never once told me to stop. He just turns around and licks my face. There are lots of things I could do with my love for animals....volunteer at an animal shelter, work for animal rights, or foster a rescue.
This sounds great, but when would I find the time? Maybe on the weekends, but does that qualify as a passion, then? Maybe not. So after giving this a lot of thought, I have finally decided that my true passions are writing and photography.

Writing requires very little. It can be squeezed in in a few moments and then picked up later when you are free again. That is the beauty of writing. Blogging opens up a whole new world for writing. Not only can you put your feelings down for others, they can comment back to you. Wow that is powerful connecting people. Therefore, I encourage you to comment whether you know me personally or not. Help me exercise my passion.

I want to close with final thought. Do you know what your passion is? What have you done lately to discover who you are? Knowing who we are inside is like Red Bull.....it gives you wings. I don't know about you, but now is my chance. I am going to fly.

Labels: change, passion, starting over, widow
draft

Time to Write

Some of you followed my blog about my husband's fight with cancer. I learned that writing to me was probably the most cathartic thing I could do. I could get a message across. Regretfully, I had to stop when my husband's fight began progressing so fast that the doctors and medicine could not keep up with the disease. Eventually, he lost this battle only 8 short months after it began.
To say I am angry would be an understatement. There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not hurt. I miss him so much, but I am angry. I have been angry at the doctors, at MD Anderson, at some of the nurses, at God, and, yes, I am even angry at my husband. This is a normal part of the grieving process but the knowledge of this does not make me feel any better. My universe has been completely altered. This is by no means how I pictured my retirement years. Overnight, my life changed. I had to take a early retirement from a job I loved. The upside is I am working at a job that gives me freedom to come and go as I please, pretty much. And, right now, I need some space just to think and feel. Because, to be honest, my apple basket is empty. The pay is good considering what I do. And, it gives me the financial freedom to do some exploring.
My hopes for this blog is to help me figure out just who I am. For most of my life, I have lived in someone else's shadow. I have always been someone's daughter, someone's girlfriend, someone's wife and someone's mother. Now with my husband gone and the kids out of the house, I find myself at a loss of the definition of me. Most people find me humorous in a sarcastic sort of way. I have been told I am rude and abrupt, which is probably true. Not that.......... I mean to be, I think it is just the way my shyness manifest itself.and my difficulty dealing with stupidity. And, yes I am actually shy, I don't like to let people in, it does not feel safe. And, I guess in away, I haven't even let myself in if that makes any sense. But, there is one thing I know for sure.....I love to write. And, with any luck, this will be the road map that leads me to me and allows me to live again. So, stay tuned.....it's time to write.