Well folks, it has now been 9 months since the death of my husband. Each time I blog, I want to leave my readers no matter whether they are walking a similar path or not with an bit of wisdom-something to think about. Yeah, this is a writer's way of getting people to come back, but for me, it is much more than that. For me this is about letting someone know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it is so dim we barely see it. But, we still have to focus on that light and move forward with our lives. First, I believe the following things to be true. One, if the loved one were living and you died, their life would not stop. Yes, they would be sad, but eventually they would pull themselves out of the rabbit hole and get on with life. Two, life is finite. We have one opportunity to make the best of it. Therefore, we cannot afford to waste time. Three, time does heal. You will never forget, but it does get easier. So, for these reasons, we must force ourselves to focus on the light. Second, I believe in a higher power and an afterlife where there is no pain or sorrow- only happiness and peace. But, in the here and now we have to practice these and they are not always easy to say the least.
As I believe the a fore mentioned principles to be true I am a believer that happiness can be found in the here and now. It can be hard at first, so you have to make it a choice. Now, I would be a liar if I told you I never have a sad moment. I do. But, they are now more of just that a moment. I find myself crying less in the car. I can't remember the last time I beat the steering wheel of my car and cursed life and God for that matter. I am asking less "Why me?" questions. Yes, I still get upset. But now it is more directed at the fact I want to move on faster than God wants me to do. It is these times, I take him out of the driver's seat and try to drive myself. I get lost every single time. I say things to people I regret. Not intentionally mean things, but they are a bit inconsiderate. God's radar for me is my daughter. She and possibly my friend Adrienne are the only two people who seem to bring me into check and back to reality. For all practical purposes, they are my GPS system.
Right now you are probably asking, "So where is this going?" Well, I will tell you. I was married for 30 years, dated the same man for 7 years before I married him. And, like I have said before, I do want to find someone to share life with again. Right now, today, I am not interested in getting remarried. That may change- I have learned to never say never. But, for today, I want someone who enjoys some of the things I do. Not everything mind you, how boring would that be. It would be great if that person makes me stretch the person I am into becoming a better person. Also, someone who accepts me as I am here today just as I am- unconditionally. And, since I am now filling out my Santa wish list, I also want someone who is funny, adventurous (reasonably- I'm not climbing Everest at this point in my life), intelligent, well-spoken, and well yeah someone who can be not just a good friend, but a great friend. And, it is on these things I have set out on my quest for companionship. And, folks dating hasn't changed much in the last 34 years. So, far I have been less than successful.
I first began by signing up for Christian Mingle one night. You know the "Christian" dating site advertised on television late at night to attract all those lonely people who are up alone in bed with their dog or cat all by themselves who had just popped the top on the pitty me can. Yep, I fell hook line and sinker. My original thought was that everyone on the sight were well meaning God fearing people so I would be safe. Not so much. I quickly got e-mail for a man in Virginia. Many of you know I have been working on a physical transformation and I figured having someone far away would allow me the time to finish this process before I actually had to met the man. We began communicating via e-mail. Then it proceeded to phone calls. Long calls, several a day. I was acting like a love sick teenager. Thousands of text messages. This went on for 4 months. We had decided to meet on New Year's Eve- how romantic. He went out of the country right before Thanksgiving. I was so excited I didn't know what to do. We had difficulty staying in touch due to the time difference. But on one particular afternoon at work, we talked via yahoo messenger. During this time, he confided that he was having problems making his deal go through and was in a bind for cash. As the conversation went on I heard the little man in the back of my head say, "Wait for it...." And, then he actually asked me for $18,000.00. What?????? Is this guy kidding me? We ended the call. I sat at my desk for a while, then I got mad.......no I got pissed off. How could he ask me for money? Well, he knew I owned my own business and he probably figured I was stupid enough to fall for this ploy. That, I believe, was his first mistake. I am not stupid. I told my daughter and several friends. Yes, you bet I was hurt. But, I used this as a learning experience. Lesson learned: Often there is a fox in the hen house. Beware, creeps are everywhere.
My next encounter was with a gentleman in Ft. Worth. Once again, he was quite charming, he made me laugh and said all the right things. The values he spoke of were similar to mine. I went out with him. First for coffee, then a couple of other times. He said that he wanted to get to know me more. I was special. (I could have told him this.) But, one remark stuck out in my mind....."You are so out of my league." I should have clung to this and said, "You know you are probably right. We aren't even in the same social class, we don't like the same things, I am more educated, I have more money, I live in a better house." But, let's face it. First, I am not rude. Second, I am not that shallow. And, third, I am far too trusting. My reply was that shouldn't matter if the two people click and have chemistry. I returned to Houston. We had made plans for him to come down in two weekends. We talked on the phone several times a day. Each time he filled my apple basket with compliments, "You are beautiful, you are special, blah, blah, blah". Anyway, you get the picture. Once again the romantic love sick teenager reappeared. (I really have to do something about her. She is too much the dumb blonde for me.) The following week, I agreed to go out with some friends and a friend of their's to dinner. He seemed like a nice guy. Heck, he even had a donkey. I love donkeys. In fact, I have always wanted one but I am afraid the HOA would frown on it. So, I go by a house not too far from me every chance I get to see the tan and brown spotted donkeys. He was intelligent (scary smart), he was tall, good-looking, had a job, didn't ask for money. But, at the time, my head was too full of Ft. Worth to even give it a second thought. The next time, Ft. Worth and I spoke I told him I had gone to dinner and that I really didn't think there. The guy was nice, but I really didn't get the vibe he was interested. Plus, if there was, I would not have seen it for the rose colored glasses I had on. To make a long story short, the day before Ft. Worth was to come to Houston, he in short stopped calling. His excuse was his mother had fallen ill. Now, this may have been true. I heard from him on Sunday on his way to church. That was the last time I would ever hear from him. No texts, no calls, no e-mails. Except mine which simply said, "You told me the problem with your second marriage was that your wife did not communicate with you. This my fiend is what I call not communicating. Okay, maybe your mom is ill but it takes two seconds to text, 'Hey its crazy around here. I'll call you in a couple of days.' So, I am not so sure this is a family thing at all. I won't bother you anymore." Now, if I had received an e-mail like that I would have immediately texted something, but nothing. I had my answer. Time to move on. Lesson learned: Stop listening to the words with just my heart, listen with my mind as well. Be cautious.
Okay, I did have a huge pity party the day Ft. Worth was supposed to come down. And, I made some comments to my daughter which were uncalled for and inconsiderate. There will never be enough I'm sorry's in my mind for my actions, but I am sorry. So, I move on. A couple of days ago, my friend asked me if she could give my number to her friend. Sure why not. It started out a little awkward, but the more I listened with my mind, I saw a different person. The next day he sent a text message asking if I texted. Really, did he think I lived in a bubble. The text messages he sent opened the door for funny Tanyia to walk through. And, I sent back a flippant response. This started a string of similar responses on both sides. Ah, this guy is funny and he gets my sense of humor. Good sign. We finally really talked for the first time last night. He was vastly different from the other guys. First, he is very intelligent and I didn't have to carry the conversation. Nor, did I have to use small words. He understands the big ones. He told me about his parents which gave me a window into how much family meant to him. I got to talk about psychological principle and he actually understood what I was talking about. But, he went one step further he challenged me. Oh my God, a chance for intelligent conversation about theory. However, when he told me that my friends loved me and he wanted to get to know me. "Your friends have told me that you have been through some things that a lesser person would have turned to alcohol or drugs. That says a lot about your character. I value my integrity with my friends. So, let's get to know one another as friends. Wow, could it be a true gentleman has emerged? This I can do. Friends sounds like a great place to start. As, I too don't want to upset my friends. We both are in a similar situation as far as that goes. Plus, this guy seems to be a bit deeper than most. So, he is definitely worth getting to know. I'll let you guys know how this one turns out.
Final thought, get out of the rabbit hole. Do what you need to do to make this happen. If you need a therapist go see one, a support group find one, or simply talk with your friends. Make happiness a choice in your life. Notice the sunshine, notice the beauty in life, breathe in life. You are alive and life is fleeting at best. Make the rest of your life the best part of your life.
