This idea has been rumbling around in my head for sometime. Please forgive the puctuation or lack thereof. Yesterday after my walk, I put them down into words. I want my children to know that in the end, their father did not fear death, he feared leaving things undone and leaving without letting me know how important I really was to him. As I have so often told Ashley and JR, sometimes strength means you stay and fight. I will be forever eternally glad I did. I have no regrets. I did the right thing. The last night of his life he fought to fulfill all of his dreams for us. Even if only imaginary, he gave me memories to last a lifetime.
To Live a Lifetime in
One Night
an original poem by Tanyia Conner
She strokes his head, calming his fears, "I be right here,
Get some sleep, you need your rest, you need to fight,"
She says trying to hold back the waterfall of tear
He knows she is right but sleep must wait, instead just tonight
He knows he has a lifetime to live in just this one night
The chair is close; she has lowered the bed, her head she
does rest
She holds his hand and allows sleep to take her away.
Her eyes flutter shut. Time is his enemy and he has moments at
best,
He can’t leave until she knows his love; he must keep death at bay
"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning Wake up what will we do today?"
Sleepily she rises and looks deep into his sparkling brown
eyes
Realizing time is fleeting she makes the choice to dream.
"Let’s look for a place to retire somewhere the eagle flies."
Far away they build a home so cozy and warm down
to the very last seem
"Let’s sleep now", and she slips from him into a dream.
She must know, she has no time to sleep, he touches her
cheek,
"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning Wake up what will we do today?"
Once again she opens her eyes; exhaustion has made her weak
Let’s go on a picnic she chirps cheerily and on a blanket
the food they lay
All his favorites she remembers and describes is her special
way.
Sleep calls once again, and she stokes his hand gently and
warm.
"We need to sleep, we need to rest for tomorrow our fight will
renew."
He knows the fight will end and the memories flow like a
swarm
"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning! Wake up! For today we have lots
to do.
I have a wonderful vacation that I have planned especially
for you!"
Sleepily she listens to each last detail so lovingly planned and outlined.
Knowing he does not have long she holds him closer and
whispers in his ear
"You would do this all for me?" "Yes, and a thousand times more if there was
time."
She brushes a tear from his eye and leans closely, "We have
nothing to fear.
We will do all these things and more in the coming year!"
But, he knows time is short, death hovers ever so close
to him.
"My time is short, I am tired of the fight, I want to go
home," he cries.
"I know this is a fight we will not win," he stares at the
lights so dim.
Over them unwillingly he does let sweet sleep sweep like a
thousand fireflies
In the night a tear slips down her face, she knows that death is where their fate lies.
The dawn does break and he does rise if only for a while.
He speaks of his dreams and patiently awaits his flight.
She sits by his side quietly awaiting the end as the memories she does file.
No one will ever be able to make these things seem right.
But inwardly she smiles, realizing he has given her a lifetime in one night.
It's a rainy Monday in Houston, Texas. And, I guess that this is just about the best way to begin this week. Traditionally, the first week in February has been my blue time. On February 4, 1990, we lost our second son Travis. And, I guess I can now add the third week in April to the list of blue periods. Today marks the beginning of the end for my late husband and, I guess, me as I once was. And, on Saturday the 21st of April, Aggie Muster will close the hardest week I have had in a long time.
A year seems like a long time, but in reality, it flies by one day melting into the next. Then you wake up one morning and you realize it has past. Tears which were shed hourly, become daily, then weekly are now rare and short-lived. Yes, I get sad daily but I don't cry everyday. If you had told me this last year I would have called you a liar. But, it is true time and life goes on. Bridges are crossed or burned, we learn and go on. And after a year,this year stands as an example of 5 truths I have learned over the last 365 days.
First, not all friends are true, real friends. My mother once told me that if at the end of my life I could count on one hand my good friends I should consider myself blessed. Believe it or not, I do this often. I don't count my family as they are always there. I just count those who don't have to be there but are. Over the years, the list has shifted only a bit. My bestest friend in the whole world, Adrienne and Patrick's best friend, Bobby and his wife Gloria continue to make the list. Without the support of these individuals I don't know where I would be today. However, some of the folks from the past are no longer on the list. Many of what we once called our friends, I am now lumping into the acquaintance category. When Patrick first died, people came out of the woodwork with expressions of sympathy. This died off shortly after the funeral and I was left with the work, and believe me it is work, of making sense out of life. So many things changed, I had to leave a career that I really loved, I no longer had the support system my husband offered nor did I have my friends around for support, and I found myself feeling very alone. After the first few weeks, offers of dinner, visits, and assistance came only from my true friends. For whatever reason, after the funeral, I made some people very uncomfortable and they steered a wide path around me. "We just don't know what to say to her." And, "you know she will feel uncomfortable if we ask her to go with us." If I ever have the chance to see these people, I will tell them that I did not change. I am the same person I was with Patrick. It is not me that makes them uncomfortable it is the thought of the eventual end each of us will know sooner or later. And, that thought can be disconcerting to say the least.
Second, sometimes you must push yourself into the spotlight and shine. Yes, I have to confess that I am a bit more outgoing (I have to be) than I used to be. When you live with someone who embraces the world with a larger than life personality you blend into the background. You become vanilla-plain sometimes even invisible. Now I know that it is in these times that you have to fight to find yourself. You have to become comfortable in your own skin. Find out who you are your likes and dislikes. This year has given me a chance to say, "Hey, I'm not such a bad person. I have a lot to offer my family, my company, and my friends." Through self exploration we find talents that we don't even realize we have. Recently, I had a meeting with some banker and was explaining the infrastructure of the company when I made the remark, "I have salespeople who do strictly sales. I am not a good salesman at all." The banker looked at me and said, "Stop right there. You have been selling yourself all afternoon. You are selling your integrity and the real person you are. You are your product." Wow, that hit me hard, never did I realize that just by being honest and sincere that I was selling the most valuable product I have-me. That, my friends, is where and how each of us shine. Although each day is still a learning experience and I must work each day to put one foot in front of the other, I take inventory of my talents each day and use these as my shining rays. Over the last year, my writing which started out as a "hobby" and a visual outlet for my inner feelings has become one of my greatest strengths. I use it everyday in business. Although I would rather spend time working on my novel or writing more poetry, writing to communicate clearly with staff and others in paramount to me these days. Additionally, I have had to leave the safety of my box and become the center of attention many times. I have found my voice. At a business function where I had to stand up and introduce myself, I purposely waited until the end. People generally remember the first, but they always remember the last. Waiting for the others to make their introduction, I found myself staining to hear the others as they introduced themselves. I hate, absolutely hate, it when I can't hear people. When it was my turn, I stood up and loudly asked if people on the other side of the room could hear me explaining that it was a holdover from my educational background. I commanded their attention. I was fearless. Then I proceeded to introduce myself explaining how I came to be part of corporate America. And, yes true to form, I even cracked a joke about it. As a result, I made an impression. In fact, the CEO of the bank sponsoring the event instructed his officers to "pursue me". Today, I am holding an invitation to the CEO's home for cocktails and dinner. I've come a long way from poor the little girl from East Slattery who was afraid of her own shadow and only dreamed of great things. No you may say, "Uh, Tanyia, they are doing that just because they want your business." Yes, that is true. But, I was the only one from that luncheon who received an invitation to the CEO's home.
Third, sometimes strength means you stay and tough things out. I realize that I am one of only three people (myself and our two children) who really knew my husband. It was amazing to me how many people had no idea I even existed. "We never knew Patrick had a wife." Yeah, he did. I was the one behind the scenes making sure the laundry was done, his suit went to the cleaners and was picked up, dinner was eaten (for those of you who know me, know I don't cook), his medicine was picked up etc. I packed his clothes for each trip. I was the smile at the end of the day and the kiss goodnight. I was the ear he bent when he had a bad day and often times I was the one he took his bad days out on. I dealt with the sullen and selfish Patrick people never saw. I saw the man as a whole and loved him in spite of his flaws. It pains me when people talk about how well they knew Patrick. Most describe him as almost too perfect of a person. Maybe this is part of the death experience to saintify those who have passed. Yes, he could be kind, loving and compassionate. But, these people did not know the real Patrick. Ashley, J.R. and I are the only ones he really let into his world-the good and the bad. And, despite all his faults he died very much loved by us. As I have previously stated in older blogs, our marriage was less than perfect. It was what I knew and it was for me, at the time, comfortable. Yes, there was a time when I had one and a half-foot out the door. And, I chose to stay. It was the hardest decision I ever made. But, I know the path I took made me a stronger person and I do not for one minute regret staying. You ask, would I do it again. Probably, but I am a different person than I was a year ago so who really knows.
Fourth, deep inside each of us is a fighter. When Patrick died, I could have just crawled into myself and continued to be vanilla. No one would have noticed with the exception of a few people. I could have continued on with my life as it was. I chose to quit my job. Contrary to popular belief, I loved my job. It was never dull and I loved going to work. For me, it was the perfect job. However, I also knew that Sierra had put a roof over my head for many years. It had been all encompassing for my husband, it was his life's dream. How could I not supervise it. How could I let his staff down. So, I, unwillingly at first, picked up the reins and took over the company. No I am not a great business woman- YET-, but each day I get a little bit better. I remember a comment made about President George Bush (43), "he may not be the smartest, but he does know how to surround himself with experts." That is what I am doing. I sought out a mentor in another Trailways franchise. I have learned to say things like "I don't understand" and "Can you help me?" So, I am not going down without a fight. I have dug my heals in and to use an old adage, I am going to bloom where I am planted. It may take a while, but I am making slow and steady progress making this company my own. In addition, shortly after my daughter's wedding I went back to Weight Watcher's. Most who know me realize I have fought my weight all my life. But, I realized that I needed to get control of it if I was going to live. Once again the fighter came out. I began with swimming daily (see the pool is paying off), then I began walking, finally I got a personal trainer. Yes, it is expensive. But, after I paid MD Anderson, Kelsey Seybold, and St. Luke's, I realized that a healthy life is far less expensive. Today I am almost 100 pounds lighter and feel great. I won't lie, some days it is just plain hard. But, the fighter in me stays and picks me up by the boot straps and I go on. If you had told me a year ago I could do this I would have laughed. I just didn't think I had it in me. But, as you see I was wrong. There is a fighter in everyone, we only have to unleash our limitation to see our possibilities.
Finally, live life like there is no tomorrow. If I have learned nothing from this experience, it is that life is too short not to be happy. My son sees me as a 54 year old teenager who needs monitoring. Yes, I have done some crazy things, even for me, in the last year. Rebelliously, I put in a pool. Okay, I always wanted one. And, on his death bed Patrick told me I could have one in my next house. What the heck, I am not moving for a long time. So, the pool was dug and I love swimming in it. Next, I tried internet dating (E-Harmony- not so harmonious, Christian Mingle- not so Christian). I have met some people who I would describe as not so great. Many are opportunist who pray on widows and widowers asking for money. And some who just want sex. Now don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not everything. I still want to be desired and wanted, but I also want someone to know the real me. And, to want me for the inner me not just the physical me. I got rid of my gas guzzling SUV and purchased a red convertible. Thing looks like Optimus Prime when it puts the top down. And, man do I love driving with the top down. However, I have begun to heed the warnings of some who caution me when and where to put the top down. But, it is the most freeing experience I have ever had. And, I have renewed old friendships and open myself up to things I did not do when Patrick was alive. Anytime we went to a reunion, unless it was a high school event, it was always Patrick's. I recently went to a Texas A & M Class of 80 mini reunion. Although I have to admit, I only knew two people there; I had fun. And, would feel good about going to another one. Furthermore, I always wanted to be on a Rodeo Committee. I just thought it looked like fun. So, I joined. And, guess what! It is fun but a lot of hard work. The jury is still out as to whether I will do it again next year or not. After all, it is a year away and who knows what is in store for me. I became more involved in my Church. Lots of good people there. And, it is one of the few places I feel totally free to be me, crazy me and all. Finally, I live each day with the idea that happiness is something I deserve. I have been seeing a man who actually makes my heart smile. He is intelligent, perhaps a bit nerdy, but he challenges me to step into the possibility of who I can be. Is he my boyfriend? Well, he is a true friend at this point and he is a boy.....so perhaps you can call him that. I find him charming, funny, and a lot of fun. He even talked me into getting on his motorcycle, something I never thought I would do in a million years. It was fun. And, now we're talking about taking scuba lessons. Could be a lot of fun. And, right now folks, FUN is the name of the game. So, to sum it all up, life is much too short not to open yourself to the possibilities of life. You need to laugh often, love with all your heart, and drive with the top down.
And, to those who thought I couldn't make it. I say nanny nanny boo boo. I did. I'm wiser, stronger and in better shape than ever. In the immortal words of Elton John, "I'm still standing, yeah, yeah yeah!!"
Well folks, it has now been 9 months since the death of my husband. Each time I blog, I want to leave my readers no matter whether they are walking a similar path or not with an bit of wisdom-something to think about. Yeah, this is a writer's way of getting people to come back, but for me, it is much more than that. For me this is about letting someone know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it is so dim we barely see it. But, we still have to focus on that light and move forward with our lives. First, I believe the following things to be true. One, if the loved one were living and you died, their life would not stop. Yes, they would be sad, but eventually they would pull themselves out of the rabbit hole and get on with life. Two, life is finite. We have one opportunity to make the best of it. Therefore, we cannot afford to waste time. Three, time does heal. You will never forget, but it does get easier. So, for these reasons, we must force ourselves to focus on the light. Second, I believe in a higher power and an afterlife where there is no pain or sorrow- only happiness and peace. But, in the here and now we have to practice these and they are not always easy to say the least.
As I believe the a fore mentioned principles to be true I am a believer that happiness can be found in the here and now. It can be hard at first, so you have to make it a choice. Now, I would be a liar if I told you I never have a sad moment. I do. But, they are now more of just that a moment. I find myself crying less in the car. I can't remember the last time I beat the steering wheel of my car and cursed life and God for that matter. I am asking less "Why me?" questions. Yes, I still get upset. But now it is more directed at the fact I want to move on faster than God wants me to do. It is these times, I take him out of the driver's seat and try to drive myself. I get lost every single time. I say things to people I regret. Not intentionally mean things, but they are a bit inconsiderate. God's radar for me is my daughter. She and possibly my friend Adrienne are the only two people who seem to bring me into check and back to reality. For all practical purposes, they are my GPS system.
Right now you are probably asking, "So where is this going?" Well, I will tell you. I was married for 30 years, dated the same man for 7 years before I married him. And, like I have said before, I do want to find someone to share life with again. Right now, today, I am not interested in getting remarried. That may change- I have learned to never say never. But, for today, I want someone who enjoys some of the things I do. Not everything mind you, how boring would that be. It would be great if that person makes me stretch the person I am into becoming a better person. Also, someone who accepts me as I am here today just as I am- unconditionally. And, since I am now filling out my Santa wish list, I also want someone who is funny, adventurous (reasonably- I'm not climbing Everest at this point in my life), intelligent, well-spoken, and well yeah someone who can be not just a good friend, but a great friend. And, it is on these things I have set out on my quest for companionship. And, folks dating hasn't changed much in the last 34 years. So, far I have been less than successful.
I first began by signing up for Christian Mingle one night. You know the "Christian" dating site advertised on television late at night to attract all those lonely people who are up alone in bed with their dog or cat all by themselves who had just popped the top on the pitty me can. Yep, I fell hook line and sinker. My original thought was that everyone on the sight were well meaning God fearing people so I would be safe. Not so much. I quickly got e-mail for a man in Virginia. Many of you know I have been working on a physical transformation and I figured having someone far away would allow me the time to finish this process before I actually had to met the man. We began communicating via e-mail. Then it proceeded to phone calls. Long calls, several a day. I was acting like a love sick teenager. Thousands of text messages. This went on for 4 months. We had decided to meet on New Year's Eve- how romantic. He went out of the country right before Thanksgiving. I was so excited I didn't know what to do. We had difficulty staying in touch due to the time difference. But on one particular afternoon at work, we talked via yahoo messenger. During this time, he confided that he was having problems making his deal go through and was in a bind for cash. As the conversation went on I heard the little man in the back of my head say, "Wait for it...." And, then he actually asked me for $18,000.00. What?????? Is this guy kidding me? We ended the call. I sat at my desk for a while, then I got mad.......no I got pissed off. How could he ask me for money? Well, he knew I owned my own business and he probably figured I was stupid enough to fall for this ploy. That, I believe, was his first mistake. I am not stupid. I told my daughter and several friends. Yes, you bet I was hurt. But, I used this as a learning experience. Lesson learned: Often there is a fox in the hen house. Beware, creeps are everywhere.
My next encounter was with a gentleman in Ft. Worth. Once again, he was quite charming, he made me laugh and said all the right things. The values he spoke of were similar to mine. I went out with him. First for coffee, then a couple of other times. He said that he wanted to get to know me more. I was special. (I could have told him this.) But, one remark stuck out in my mind....."You are so out of my league." I should have clung to this and said, "You know you are probably right. We aren't even in the same social class, we don't like the same things, I am more educated, I have more money, I live in a better house." But, let's face it. First, I am not rude. Second, I am not that shallow. And, third, I am far too trusting. My reply was that shouldn't matter if the two people click and have chemistry. I returned to Houston. We had made plans for him to come down in two weekends. We talked on the phone several times a day. Each time he filled my apple basket with compliments, "You are beautiful, you are special, blah, blah, blah". Anyway, you get the picture. Once again the romantic love sick teenager reappeared. (I really have to do something about her. She is too much the dumb blonde for me.) The following week, I agreed to go out with some friends and a friend of their's to dinner. He seemed like a nice guy. Heck, he even had a donkey. I love donkeys. In fact, I have always wanted one but I am afraid the HOA would frown on it. So, I go by a house not too far from me every chance I get to see the tan and brown spotted donkeys. He was intelligent (scary smart), he was tall, good-looking, had a job, didn't ask for money. But, at the time, my head was too full of Ft. Worth to even give it a second thought. The next time, Ft. Worth and I spoke I told him I had gone to dinner and that I really didn't think there. The guy was nice, but I really didn't get the vibe he was interested. Plus, if there was, I would not have seen it for the rose colored glasses I had on. To make a long story short, the day before Ft. Worth was to come to Houston, he in short stopped calling. His excuse was his mother had fallen ill. Now, this may have been true. I heard from him on Sunday on his way to church. That was the last time I would ever hear from him. No texts, no calls, no e-mails. Except mine which simply said, "You told me the problem with your second marriage was that your wife did not communicate with you. This my fiend is what I call not communicating. Okay, maybe your mom is ill but it takes two seconds to text, 'Hey its crazy around here. I'll call you in a couple of days.' So, I am not so sure this is a family thing at all. I won't bother you anymore." Now, if I had received an e-mail like that I would have immediately texted something, but nothing. I had my answer. Time to move on. Lesson learned: Stop listening to the words with just my heart, listen with my mind as well. Be cautious.
Okay, I did have a huge pity party the day Ft. Worth was supposed to come down. And, I made some comments to my daughter which were uncalled for and inconsiderate. There will never be enough I'm sorry's in my mind for my actions, but I am sorry. So, I move on. A couple of days ago, my friend asked me if she could give my number to her friend. Sure why not. It started out a little awkward, but the more I listened with my mind, I saw a different person. The next day he sent a text message asking if I texted. Really, did he think I lived in a bubble. The text messages he sent opened the door for funny Tanyia to walk through. And, I sent back a flippant response. This started a string of similar responses on both sides. Ah, this guy is funny and he gets my sense of humor. Good sign. We finally really talked for the first time last night. He was vastly different from the other guys. First, he is very intelligent and I didn't have to carry the conversation. Nor, did I have to use small words. He understands the big ones. He told me about his parents which gave me a window into how much family meant to him. I got to talk about psychological principle and he actually understood what I was talking about. But, he went one step further he challenged me. Oh my God, a chance for intelligent conversation about theory. However, when he told me that my friends loved me and he wanted to get to know me. "Your friends have told me that you have been through some things that a lesser person would have turned to alcohol or drugs. That says a lot about your character. I value my integrity with my friends. So, let's get to know one another as friends. Wow, could it be a true gentleman has emerged? This I can do. Friends sounds like a great place to start. As, I too don't want to upset my friends. We both are in a similar situation as far as that goes. Plus, this guy seems to be a bit deeper than most. So, he is definitely worth getting to know. I'll let you guys know how this one turns out.
Final thought, get out of the rabbit hole. Do what you need to do to make this happen. If you need a therapist go see one, a support group find one, or simply talk with your friends. Make happiness a choice in your life. Notice the sunshine, notice the beauty in life, breathe in life. You are alive and life is fleeting at best. Make the rest of your life the best part of your life.
