The Girl Within

Each day I learn a little bit more about myself.  Freedom is just that- freeing.  And, self discovery, to be honest, is way under rated.  It is amazing.  Through my journey, although often difficult, I have found inner strength and, yes, even peace.  This maybe one of the reasons I have been able to pick up the pieces of my life.  In doing so, I have compiled Tanyia's Top 5 Things She Never Knew about Herself.


Number 5:  I like Sushi.  For my daughter's birthday she wanted to take a group of her friends out to eat.  No problem, I can do that.  Then she told me we were going to have Sushi.  My brain screamed, "Gross.  Abort Mission Operation Happy Birthday."  Ah, let's see if she will compromise. " Ashley, what if I paid for dinner and took everyone to Pappas?"  Nope she wasn't having any of that.  So, I sucked it up and went to the restaurant with the girls.  Okay, I had the cooked stuff.  Remember, I am from Texas and the raw stuff we use as bait down here.  However, my precious little cousin Sara had bait.  But, if she likes it who am I to say anything.  But, I found that Sushi was actually good.  And, I have been back to the restaurant twice since Ashley's birthday.  Yet, [eating sushi] seems to be a girlie thing.  I can't get my son or general manager to agree to go there with me for lunch.

Number 4:  I am not a bad housekeeper.  For most of my marriage I spent begging for help keeping the house.  It was a tireless and never ending task.  I could work from morning to night and it was never clean.  I can remember the first time I went out of town for work.  I came back and the house was a disaster.  My husband and children claimed they were all simply too busy to do anything.  In retrospect, I remember thinking I should have done a better job preparing for the trip.  I should have left the house spotless.  Well, in actuality, I had left the house in good condition.  Asking the family to fold the clothes that were on the couch was not more than they could reasonably do.  Fold the clothes that was all.  And, that was the way things went even after the kids moved out.  I could never keep up.  Finally, after many years, I was allowed help one day a week.  Every week before the help came I would feverishly clean the house.  I was exhausted.  Yet, since I have been alone, I have moved the cleaning to once every 2 weeks.  The main thing I need help with is mopping the floors.  I hate to mop.  Plus, every few days, I can sweep up enough dog hair to build another dog.  But, for the most part, I am now having to find things for my housekeeper to do.

Number 3:  I have the power to change my life.  For most of my life, I was told what I needed and didn't need by my parent, my in-laws, and Patrick.  So, having the freedom to choose did make me a little crazy.  Having the ability to make a choice is so taken for granted.  Having been a part of a team for 30 years, I had kinda adapted.  It was easier to go along with the flow and not rock the boat than to put up a fuss to get my way.  Patrick always told people we discussed things.  Oh, yes there was discussion......then we did things his way.  It was just easier to go along to get along.  So, after his death I kinda went off the deep end doing things that I wanted to do just because I couldn't do it before.  I Finished all the renovations I wanted to do to the house.  Put in a pool.  On his death bed, believe it or not he told me I could have a pool in my next house.  When I asked why not this house, I was told I didn't need it.  At first, I thought, I was told not to do this, but then, I realized it was my decision.  I love to swim and always wanted a pool.  So I went for it.  Before the weather changed, I swam every day.  And, I don't mean just floated around.  I swam for a good hour each day. Those days, I would think to myself, I love this pool.  The pool was my first step to making my house my home.  Yes, there is a difference.  It had been my home with Patrick for 16 years.  I had to make it mine.  It needed to reflect me.  And, I had to not only realize I had the ability to do this, I had to embrace it as well.  I had the power.  However, that power had been with me all along.  I just didn't access it.  Because, if I had saved for a pool myself, I could have put it in long ago.  Over the years, I had taken the easy path.  The path of least resistant.  And, to make a long story short, I had become a doormat.  Yet, inside me was the ability to change.  All I had to do was reach for it.

Number 2:  I like living healthy.  My friends know that I have been on a health kick since shortly after Patrick died.  His death at 53 was a wake-up call for me.  No, I never smoked nor did I drink in excess, but I still did not have the best habits known to man.  I ate the wrong foods.  Like most Texans Chicken Fried and bacon wrapped were staples of our diet.  Patrick hated anything with feathers so to say our house was a meat and potatoes house would be no exaggeration.  The only green vegetables he would eat were green beans and English peas.  Salads were eaten rarely.  And, when they were, they were covered with cheese and dressing.  Granted, the food was wonderful, it simply wasn't good for me.  Since I have been alone, it is amazing how easy it has been to follow the diet set out by Weight Watchers.  The frozen meals aren't too bad and there is very little clean up which I think is AWESOME!!!  And, I find it easy to follow when I go out to eat.  Actually, I like grilled chicken, fish, fresh vegetables and fruit.  Heck, I have even found an ice cream that is healthy.  Second, out habits of rest were not the best either.  I would venture to say that I got between 5-6 hours of sleep a night and then would crater on the weekends.  Now, in the beginning, I went to bed early because of lack of things to do.  But, I soon realized that 8 hours of sleep was what I needed to be alert and function.  Now, after I finish my nightly chores, it is not uncommon to find me laying in bed watching TV and then lights out at 10.  Not only have my eating and sleeping habits changed, my lifestyle has changed.  Each day I walk and twice a week I go to a personal trainer.  Yes, in the beginning it was hard to get into the routine.  But, now that I am, it seems unnatural not to put activity in my life.  And, I can't wait for April when the weather warms up enough for me to swim again.

And, the Number 1 thing I learned about myself is. ........In the words of Stuart Smally, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it I'm worth it."  Even though my ego was bruised and bashed by some of my husbands actions, I have had to take a long look at myself.  For a 53 year old, I don't look too bad.  Yes, I have flaws.  But, I am working on my weight.  If you don't understand how someone can feel so bad that they turn to food for comfort, I do.  I have developed good, healthy habits not because someone told me to, but because I wanted to do it.  Tonight, I was given one of the bestest compliments I have had in years.  And, I use bestest because it was better than best.  A friend asked me what I was doing because my butt was looking good.  Wow, I could have kissed her.  It is the part of my body that I hate and to have someone tell me it was looking good.  Well, you can't image how good that made me feel. I have great skin thanks to the humid Gulf Coast weather.   I have beautiful blue eyes that sparkle when I laugh.  And, I love to laugh.  My friends say that I am funny and a blast to be around.  So, I am likable.  But, most important, I have a heart of gold with the ability to give chance after chance after chance.  I believe that good is within everyone and strive to find it.  I love deeply and passionately.  So, I am worth every happiness this world has to offer.  I am going to take my time to find it.  Yes, you got me right ladies and gentlemen, I would love to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with.  But, the reality is even if I don't I already have that special person.....me.  And, the first step to truly loving someone is is to love yourself first.  And, to be honest, I have found that I have great qualities and am now comfortable in my skin.  And, that folks is priceless.

Holidays....So What's the Deal?

I just had my first holiday as a "single" woman. And, I am here to tell you it ain't as bad as people want you to believe. On Friday before Thanksgiving, one of my staff came into my office and said, "I know that next week will be had for you." It didn't hit me that she was talking about Thanksgiving. I actually thought she was talking about the first time Patrick died. Yep, November 19th was the first anniversary of the night he died and was saved through some very heroic actions of doctors and nurses at St. Luke's Hospital. 

I replied, "Yeah, the 19th will probably be hard," and, went on my way. But, the seed had been planted. Should I be feeling upset? Am I supposed to be miserable for the holidays. Maybe it is in the Widow Rule Book somewhere? Oh, wait, that book doesn't exist. There are no rules. Then the old Grief Master slowly crept into my mind. And, it wasn't too long before everything I did reminded me of holidays past. It was like the first act from A Christmas Carol, Ground Hog Day style. And, I was sucked into an abyss of self pity. 

Don't know if you have ever fallen down that hole, but it is a dark and dank place. It is here you question God's wisdom. Many of you know that my husband was not the ideal husband and shortly before he got sick I was ready to call it quits. But, through counseling and prayer we were putting our lives back together. Now, mind you there are some things I will never forget, but I did forgive him. That being said, one of my questions for God was why was I the one left to deal with all the mess. I had been the "good" one. Always done what was expected of me. Took care of my family, worked like a Trojan, took care of both sets of parents and several of my husbands aunts. It seemed like I had gone out of my way to be the perfect wife. Now, here I am dealing with a company I am not real sure what to do with, taxes (I officially hate the IRS), home repairs, bills, banks, and the list goes on and on. These are things I never had to deal with before. Yeah, some of the things on the list didn't happen in a timely fashion. Uncle Sam, I am sorry that during Tax season my husband was dying and well filing an extension just seemed reasonable. So, why can't you be understanding. But, I know late is still late. And, that maybe my problem, I want things done on time. See how easy it is to get sucked down the rabbit hole.

When I was having my pity party, Ashley came in and I voiced my thoughts about getting the "bad" end of the deal. She looked me in the eye and said, "You know Mom, did you ever think that Dad had to go through all of that so he could be saved? You have always believed that God was your savior. But, it wasn't until the end that I really feel that Dad understood the world the way you do. God still has plans for you. There is someone out there for you. Remember you once told me to guard my heart. You need to remember that." Then, she simply turned and walked out of the room.

Bam. Right in the face. There it was. She was right. God has plans for me and I just need to be patient. Stop trying to help him. Let him drive. I began to crawl out of the hole. It was then that I came to some conclusions. First, I have a great family who make me feel special and loved each and every day. This is not just my children and immediate family of cousins. But, it extends to my church family Trish, Troy, Kathy, Russ, Renee, Paul, Mary and the list goes on. When I think back to Patrick's funeral I realize that the Church was packed. Many were friends and business associates of Patrick's but a lot of those in attendance didn't know my husband at all. They were there for me. Since his death, I have opened myself up to these people and I can't imagine my life without anyone of them. Next, a holiday is simply that. According to the Wikipedia is a day designated as having special significance for which individuals, a government, or a religious group have deemed that observance is warranted. No where in the definition does it say we have to be sad because someone is no longer there to celebrate. And, to be frank, in the past holidays were really just a whole lot of work for me. I was in the kitchen, I played hostess, I did the dishes, I cleaned the house. And, when everyone left, I rarely got so much as a thank you. So, much for the happy family holiday where hearth and home was held high. It was just a lot of work. So, really it is no different than any other day. Third, each day life changes. The seasons change, leaves turn, life goes on. People all around you die every day. Life is about change. Without change we stagnate and in return do not grow. Growth makes us who we are....It is the decorations on our tree. Furthermore, everyday is a cause for thanks. When I pull the top back on my convertible I feel the warmth of the sunshine, the wind in my face, the roar of the wind. I feel alive. I am thankful for the small things in life on a daily basis. Thanksgiving is a commercial time to remind people to give thanks. Well, everyday I thank God that he has given me these things. But, most of all I thank him for loving me in spite of my screw ups. He loves me how I am and where I am. No matter what I have done or not done. He loves me and forgives me. Man what a great feeling that is. And, finally, those people who try to tell me that the holidays will be hard are my version of the Grinch. Like the Grinch who stole all the Christmas Cheer in Whoville thinking he would silence their merry making, these people, even though they are well-meaning, are clueless to the fact that they steal holiday joy and the hope of future memories. And, Ashley, well she was my Cindyloo Who, reminding me that holidays were not about the past they are about the future. So, together our family, Ashley, Johnnie, J.R., Marie and I made new memories in a new house in a new town. It wasn't bad at all. 

If you are thinking, how can she be so callous? How can her husband not even enter her mind? Well, he did and he does. And, probably will for the rest of my life. But, I choose to remember the good and not the bad. No, like I said before I can't forget the bad. But, I choose to focus on the good. He is no longer with me, so I have no choice other than move forward with what is left of my life. Make new memories and new tradition. It's really not bad to do this. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe that true love exists and that there is someone out there who will accept me where I am with all my flaws and quirkiness. There are many things I still want to do with my life and many places I want to go. This is my time and I plan to make the rest of my life full of adventure and leave my family with the knowledge that I lived life to its fullest looking forward not backward and leaving a legacy of love and knowledge of God.