I just had my first holiday as a "single" woman. And, I am here to tell you it ain't as bad as people want you to believe. On Friday before Thanksgiving, one of my staff came into my office and said, "I know that next week will be had for you." It didn't hit me that she was talking about Thanksgiving. I actually thought she was talking about the first time Patrick died. Yep, November 19th was the first anniversary of the night he died and was saved through some very heroic actions of doctors and nurses at St. Luke's Hospital.
I replied, "Yeah, the 19th will probably be hard," and, went on my way. But, the seed had been planted. Should I be feeling upset? Am I supposed to be miserable for the holidays. Maybe it is in the Widow Rule Book somewhere? Oh, wait, that book doesn't exist. There are no rules. Then the old Grief Master slowly crept into my mind. And, it wasn't too long before everything I did reminded me of holidays past. It was like the first act from A Christmas Carol, Ground Hog Day style. And, I was sucked into an abyss of self pity.
Don't know if you have ever fallen down that hole, but it is a dark and dank place. It is here you question God's wisdom. Many of you know that my husband was not the ideal husband and shortly before he got sick I was ready to call it quits. But, through counseling and prayer we were putting our lives back together. Now, mind you there are some things I will never forget, but I did forgive him. That being said, one of my questions for God was why was I the one left to deal with all the mess. I had been the "good" one. Always done what was expected of me. Took care of my family, worked like a Trojan, took care of both sets of parents and several of my husbands aunts. It seemed like I had gone out of my way to be the perfect wife. Now, here I am dealing with a company I am not real sure what to do with, taxes (I officially hate the IRS), home repairs, bills, banks, and the list goes on and on. These are things I never had to deal with before. Yeah, some of the things on the list didn't happen in a timely fashion. Uncle Sam, I am sorry that during Tax season my husband was dying and well filing an extension just seemed reasonable. So, why can't you be understanding. But, I know late is still late. And, that maybe my problem, I want things done on time. See how easy it is to get sucked down the rabbit hole.
When I was having my pity party, Ashley came in and I voiced my thoughts about getting the "bad" end of the deal. She looked me in the eye and said, "You know Mom, did you ever think that Dad had to go through all of that so he could be saved? You have always believed that God was your savior. But, it wasn't until the end that I really feel that Dad understood the world the way you do. God still has plans for you. There is someone out there for you. Remember you once told me to guard my heart. You need to remember that." Then, she simply turned and walked out of the room.
Bam. Right in the face. There it was. She was right. God has plans for me and I just need to be patient. Stop trying to help him. Let him drive. I began to crawl out of the hole. It was then that I came to some conclusions. First, I have a great family who make me feel special and loved each and every day. This is not just my children and immediate family of cousins. But, it extends to my church family Trish, Troy, Kathy, Russ, Renee, Paul, Mary and the list goes on. When I think back to Patrick's funeral I realize that the Church was packed. Many were friends and business associates of Patrick's but a lot of those in attendance didn't know my husband at all. They were there for me. Since his death, I have opened myself up to these people and I can't imagine my life without anyone of them. Next, a holiday is simply that. According to the Wikipedia is a day designated as having special significance for which individuals, a government, or a religious group have deemed that observance is warranted. No where in the definition does it say we have to be sad because someone is no longer there to celebrate. And, to be frank, in the past holidays were really just a whole lot of work for me. I was in the kitchen, I played hostess, I did the dishes, I cleaned the house. And, when everyone left, I rarely got so much as a thank you. So, much for the happy family holiday where hearth and home was held high. It was just a lot of work. So, really it is no different than any other day. Third, each day life changes. The seasons change, leaves turn, life goes on. People all around you die every day. Life is about change. Without change we stagnate and in return do not grow. Growth makes us who we are....It is the decorations on our tree. Furthermore, everyday is a cause for thanks. When I pull the top back on my convertible I feel the warmth of the sunshine, the wind in my face, the roar of the wind. I feel alive. I am thankful for the small things in life on a daily basis. Thanksgiving is a commercial time to remind people to give thanks. Well, everyday I thank God that he has given me these things. But, most of all I thank him for loving me in spite of my screw ups. He loves me how I am and where I am. No matter what I have done or not done. He loves me and forgives me. Man what a great feeling that is. And, finally, those people who try to tell me that the holidays will be hard are my version of the Grinch. Like the Grinch who stole all the Christmas Cheer in Whoville thinking he would silence their merry making, these people, even though they are well-meaning, are clueless to the fact that they steal holiday joy and the hope of future memories. And, Ashley, well she was my Cindyloo Who, reminding me that holidays were not about the past they are about the future. So, together our family, Ashley, Johnnie, J.R., Marie and I made new memories in a new house in a new town. It wasn't bad at all.
If you are thinking, how can she be so callous? How can her husband not even enter her mind? Well, he did and he does. And, probably will for the rest of my life. But, I choose to remember the good and not the bad. No, like I said before I can't forget the bad. But, I choose to focus on the good. He is no longer with me, so I have no choice other than move forward with what is left of my life. Make new memories and new tradition. It's really not bad to do this. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe that true love exists and that there is someone out there who will accept me where I am with all my flaws and quirkiness. There are many things I still want to do with my life and many places I want to go. This is my time and I plan to make the rest of my life full of adventure and leave my family with the knowledge that I lived life to its fullest looking forward not backward and leaving a legacy of love and knowledge of God.
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