Each day I learn a little bit more about myself. Freedom is just that- freeing. And, self discovery, to be honest, is way under rated. It is amazing. Through my journey, although often difficult, I have found inner strength and, yes, even peace. This maybe one of the reasons I have been able to pick up the pieces of my life. In doing so, I have compiled Tanyia's Top 5 Things She Never Knew about Herself.
Number 5: I like Sushi. For my daughter's birthday she wanted to take a group of her friends out to eat. No problem, I can do that. Then she told me we were going to have Sushi. My brain screamed, "Gross. Abort Mission Operation Happy Birthday." Ah, let's see if she will compromise. " Ashley, what if I paid for dinner and took everyone to Pappas?" Nope she wasn't having any of that. So, I sucked it up and went to the restaurant with the girls. Okay, I had the cooked stuff. Remember, I am from Texas and the raw stuff we use as bait down here. However, my precious little cousin Sara had bait. But, if she likes it who am I to say anything. But, I found that Sushi was actually good. And, I have been back to the restaurant twice since Ashley's birthday. Yet, [eating sushi] seems to be a girlie thing. I can't get my son or general manager to agree to go there with me for lunch.
Number 4: I am not a bad housekeeper. For most of my marriage I spent begging for help keeping the house. It was a tireless and never ending task. I could work from morning to night and it was never clean. I can remember the first time I went out of town for work. I came back and the house was a disaster. My husband and children claimed they were all simply too busy to do anything. In retrospect, I remember thinking I should have done a better job preparing for the trip. I should have left the house spotless. Well, in actuality, I had left the house in good condition. Asking the family to fold the clothes that were on the couch was not more than they could reasonably do. Fold the clothes that was all. And, that was the way things went even after the kids moved out. I could never keep up. Finally, after many years, I was allowed help one day a week. Every week before the help came I would feverishly clean the house. I was exhausted. Yet, since I have been alone, I have moved the cleaning to once every 2 weeks. The main thing I need help with is mopping the floors. I hate to mop. Plus, every few days, I can sweep up enough dog hair to build another dog. But, for the most part, I am now having to find things for my housekeeper to do.
Number 3: I have the power to change my life. For most of my life, I was told what I needed and didn't need by my parent, my in-laws, and Patrick. So, having the freedom to choose did make me a little crazy. Having the ability to make a choice is so taken for granted. Having been a part of a team for 30 years, I had kinda adapted. It was easier to go along with the flow and not rock the boat than to put up a fuss to get my way. Patrick always told people we discussed things. Oh, yes there was discussion......then we did things his way. It was just easier to go along to get along. So, after his death I kinda went off the deep end doing things that I wanted to do just because I couldn't do it before. I Finished all the renovations I wanted to do to the house. Put in a pool. On his death bed, believe it or not he told me I could have a pool in my next house. When I asked why not this house, I was told I didn't need it. At first, I thought, I was told not to do this, but then, I realized it was my decision. I love to swim and always wanted a pool. So I went for it. Before the weather changed, I swam every day. And, I don't mean just floated around. I swam for a good hour each day. Those days, I would think to myself, I love this pool. The pool was my first step to making my house my home. Yes, there is a difference. It had been my home with Patrick for 16 years. I had to make it mine. It needed to reflect me. And, I had to not only realize I had the ability to do this, I had to embrace it as well. I had the power. However, that power had been with me all along. I just didn't access it. Because, if I had saved for a pool myself, I could have put it in long ago. Over the years, I had taken the easy path. The path of least resistant. And, to make a long story short, I had become a doormat. Yet, inside me was the ability to change. All I had to do was reach for it.
Number 2: I like living healthy. My friends know that I have been on a health kick since shortly after Patrick died. His death at 53 was a wake-up call for me. No, I never smoked nor did I drink in excess, but I still did not have the best habits known to man. I ate the wrong foods. Like most Texans Chicken Fried and bacon wrapped were staples of our diet. Patrick hated anything with feathers so to say our house was a meat and potatoes house would be no exaggeration. The only green vegetables he would eat were green beans and English peas. Salads were eaten rarely. And, when they were, they were covered with cheese and dressing. Granted, the food was wonderful, it simply wasn't good for me. Since I have been alone, it is amazing how easy it has been to follow the diet set out by Weight Watchers. The frozen meals aren't too bad and there is very little clean up which I think is AWESOME!!! And, I find it easy to follow when I go out to eat. Actually, I like grilled chicken, fish, fresh vegetables and fruit. Heck, I have even found an ice cream that is healthy. Second, out habits of rest were not the best either. I would venture to say that I got between 5-6 hours of sleep a night and then would crater on the weekends. Now, in the beginning, I went to bed early because of lack of things to do. But, I soon realized that 8 hours of sleep was what I needed to be alert and function. Now, after I finish my nightly chores, it is not uncommon to find me laying in bed watching TV and then lights out at 10. Not only have my eating and sleeping habits changed, my lifestyle has changed. Each day I walk and twice a week I go to a personal trainer. Yes, in the beginning it was hard to get into the routine. But, now that I am, it seems unnatural not to put activity in my life. And, I can't wait for April when the weather warms up enough for me to swim again.
And, the Number 1 thing I learned about myself is. ........In the words of Stuart Smally, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it I'm worth it." Even though my ego was bruised and bashed by some of my husbands actions, I have had to take a long look at myself. For a 53 year old, I don't look too bad. Yes, I have flaws. But, I am working on my weight. If you don't understand how someone can feel so bad that they turn to food for comfort, I do. I have developed good, healthy habits not because someone told me to, but because I wanted to do it. Tonight, I was given one of the bestest compliments I have had in years. And, I use bestest because it was better than best. A friend asked me what I was doing because my butt was looking good. Wow, I could have kissed her. It is the part of my body that I hate and to have someone tell me it was looking good. Well, you can't image how good that made me feel. I have great skin thanks to the humid Gulf Coast weather. I have beautiful blue eyes that sparkle when I laugh. And, I love to laugh. My friends say that I am funny and a blast to be around. So, I am likable. But, most important, I have a heart of gold with the ability to give chance after chance after chance. I believe that good is within everyone and strive to find it. I love deeply and passionately. So, I am worth every happiness this world has to offer. I am going to take my time to find it. Yes, you got me right ladies and gentlemen, I would love to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with. But, the reality is even if I don't I already have that special person.....me. And, the first step to truly loving someone is is to love yourself first. And, to be honest, I have found that I have great qualities and am now comfortable in my skin. And, that folks is priceless.
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