Time to Write

Some of you followed my blog about my husband's fight with cancer. I learned that writing to me was probably the most cathartic thing I could do. I could get a message across. Regretfully, I had to stop when my husband's fight began progressing so fast that the doctors and medicine could not keep up with the disease. Eventually, he lost this battle only 8 short months after it began.
To say I am angry would be an understatement. There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not hurt. I miss him so much, but I am angry. I have been angry at the doctors, at MD Anderson, at some of the nurses, at God, and, yes, I am even angry at my husband. This is a normal part of the grieving process but the knowledge of this does not make me feel any better. My universe has been completely altered. This is by no means how I pictured my retirement years. Overnight, my life changed. I had to take a early retirement from a job I loved. The upside is I am working at a job that gives me freedom to come and go as I please, pretty much. And, right now, I need some space just to think and feel. Because, to be honest, my apple basket is empty. The pay is good considering what I do. And, it gives me the financial freedom to do some exploring.
My hopes for this blog is to help me figure out just who I am. For most of my life, I have lived in someone else's shadow. I have always been someone's daughter, someone's girlfriend, someone's wife and someone's mother. Now with my husband gone and the kids out of the house, I find myself at a loss of the definition of me. Most people find me humorous in a sarcastic sort of way. I have been told I am rude and abrupt, which is probably true. Not that.......... I mean to be, I think it is just the way my shyness manifest itself.and my difficulty dealing with stupidity. And, yes I am actually shy, I don't like to let people in, it does not feel safe. And, I guess in away, I haven't even let myself in if that makes any sense. But, there is one thing I know for sure.....I love to write. And, with any luck, this will be the road map that leads me to me and allows me to live again. So, stay tuned.....it's time to write.