After talking to several widows, I have found some common ground. Everyone deals with grief differently. In a way we are so afraid we will forget our loved ones that we can sometimes go overboard. But, as I talk to other widows, I am beginning to laugh about some of the funny things we do. This lidt does not apply to everyone and it is by far not a complete list. And it is not all funny, some is sad. But, let's face it we are going through a time that is like a roller coaster ride. We are told to remember the good times and live on our memories, but each day we wake up and are hit with the hard reality that things are never going to be the same again. Trust me it is an adjustment. So, here is my latest top 10.
10. Wonder if we are ever going to be happy again. I wonder this a lot. It's not that I am unhappy, I just feel alone and mostly numb. Even in a crowd, I feel I am different from everyone else. There are times I even wonder maybe I am supposed to be numb for the rest of my life. I see older couples and my heart actually hurts. I know I will never have this. Call it jealousy, envy or whatever, it is the way I feel.
9. Bury ourselves in pictures - I always had pictures of the kids hanging up around the house and a couple of Patrick and I but never did I have tons of pictures of him around the house. And, I don't even think when we were dating that I had one on my nightstand. Well, I do now. He is the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I see when I turn off the light.
8. Retell stories about things you did together- I know my kids are tired of hearing, "Your dad and I did...." or "Dad would have.....". The truth is I can only speculate what Dad would have done. But, this is my way of keeping his memory alive.
7. Indulge ourselves- Okay, I am so guilty of this it is not funny. Right now as I write I am sitting with my new kitten on my shoulder. He is a cute little fellow who was all alone like me. He is my shop cat. As an official employee, his job description reads Vice President of Elimination. (He is going to keep the mice out of the office.) Patrick is probably stomping around in Heaven about now. Thinking Really, Tanyia, another cat? You don't need it. And, he would be right, I did not need it I wanted it. Just like I wanted the pool that I am having put in the backyard. Patrick hated the idea of a built in pool. I always had a "ghetto" pool as my kids called it. It was my theory that Patrick would be so embarrassed by the pool that he would just give in, but he never did. So, I had no one to tell me no and I am putting in a pool. Believe it or not, I have spoken to several widows who have done the same thing.
6. We keep their cell phones active- I know its seems erey, but every now and then, it is nice to hear their voice on their answering machine. In a way, it is our way of keeping them alive in our minds. Some, including yours truly, have even gone to the extent of leaving them messages. I kind of think of it as a direct line to God now.
5. Don't erase messages left them- I wish I was not a Nazi when it comes to erasing messages. Patrick left me some really sweet messages over the last couple of years. I would give anything to hear them again. Many of those I talk to tell me they are the most dear things they have.
4. Leave lights on- One of the ladies I talked to told me "I can handle the days, but it is the nights that are hard." I think the closeness a husband and wife share does increase especially at night. I know for a while, I would go to sleep with every light in the house on. First, I will confess, I am a scaredy cat. I don't like the dark, I hear gremlins when the house creaks and the kids have convinced me over the years that there is a ghost that lives in our attic. Our house was built on what used to be a dirt road and legend has it that during the 30's whiskey runners used it and several met their makers there. Kinda sounds like the plot of Poltergeist but its the truth. However, I have now gotten used to turning off the lights and going to sleep. But, it took a while. I think that as a society we think of death as darkness, so if we light everything up we will be safe. I don't know it is just my theory.
3. Do things that are out of character- This is one that causes my kids, especially my daughter, to scratch their heads. In the past I would not have been caught in an ice house. Yet, I was talked into going to one with a friend of mine and conversed with some rather shady individuals. First, although my kids say that I talk to everyone, that is not exactly true. I talk to people I feel safe around. For this reason, I can be viewed as snooty, abrupt, and, yes, even rude. But, I am not. I just have to be comfortable. But, at the ice house, I talked to a grizzly biker and his friend. This is not something I advise doing. I was not "Born to Be Wild", so I am going to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. But, at the time I though Uh, why not? What can it hurt?. Truth is I could have been hurt. So, a word to the wise, think before you act.
2. Be angry- I get angry at silly things. Right now my anger is directed at the power company. (Yeah, I know leaving all the lights on......) I think they are all blood suckers who take our money. We are held captive. Really, how did the early settlers handle this heat in Texas? It is so hot that we have to pay "blood money" for the luxury of staying comfortable. I don't know about you but with the thermometers reading like they are...I only get comfortable not cold. And, each time the AC kicks on I hear them laugh.
1. Cry at silly things- I think this is our excuse to cry. I cry at movies, television shows, the news, songs, books, stories, and crap.....even commercials. This seems to be much more socially appropriate than crying because we are just plain sad and our heart is hurting. I don't like to cry around my son and daughter. My daughter has always seen crying as a sign of weakness. However, I don't think she really believes it. On the other hand, my son goes into super over protective mode. Yesterday would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. I held it together until I was on my way home. Around 7:30 my daughter called. "Mom are you okay? I don't know how to put this....." I knew what she was asking. But, I did not allow myself to cry. It was not until she called back at 9:00 that I allowed myself to bawl. When I cry, it is not a pretty sight. My nose gets stopped up, I can't breath, I choke on anything I put in my mouth. So, as I am choking, coughing, blowing my nose (loudly I might add), and crying, she listened. Never once did she tell me to stop. That was truly one of the most loving gifts she has ever given me.....the permission to cry.
As always, I welcome your comments. I want this to be an open forum. If you don't want to comment here, feel free to e-mail me at tanyiaconner@gmail.com
it's amazing how much you have grown as a writer just in the few months you've been writing these blogs! i love them and i think you are an incredible lady. i'm so glad to have ashley, and therefore you :), in my life.
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