Original Poem

This idea has been rumbling around in my head for sometime.  Please forgive the puctuation or lack thereof.  Yesterday after my walk, I put them down into words.  I want my children to know that in the end, their father did not fear death, he feared leaving things undone and leaving without letting me know how important I really was to him.  As I have so often told Ashley and JR, sometimes strength means you stay and fight.  I will be forever eternally glad I did.  I have no regrets.  I did the right thing.  The last night of his life he fought to fulfill all of his dreams for us.  Even if only imaginary, he gave me memories to last a lifetime.

                                                      To Live a Lifetime in One Night

an original poem by Tanyia Conner

She strokes his head, calming his fears, "I be right here,

Get some sleep, you need your rest, you need to fight,"

She says trying to hold back the waterfall of tear

He knows she is right but sleep must wait, instead just tonight

He knows he has a lifetime to live in just this one night

The chair is close; she has lowered the bed, her head she does rest

She holds his hand and allows sleep to take her away.

Her eyes flutter shut. Time is his enemy and he has moments at best,

He can’t leave until she knows his love; he must keep death at bay

"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning Wake up what will we do today?"

Sleepily she rises and looks deep into his sparkling brown eyes

Realizing time is fleeting she makes the choice to dream.

"Let’s look for a place to retire somewhere the eagle flies."

Far away they build a home so cozy and warm down to the very last seem

"Let’s sleep now", and she slips from him into a dream.

She must know, she has no time to sleep, he touches her cheek,

"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning Wake up what will we do today?"

Once again she opens her eyes; exhaustion has made her weak

Let’s go on a picnic she chirps cheerily and on a blanket the food they lay

All his favorites she remembers and describes is her special way.

Sleep calls once again, and she stokes his hand gently and warm.

"We need to sleep, we need to rest for tomorrow our fight will renew."

He knows the fight will end and the memories flow like a swarm

"Hey Beautiful, Good Morning! Wake up! For today we have lots to do.

I have a wonderful vacation that I have planned especially for you!"

Sleepily she listens to each last detail so lovingly planned and outlined.

Knowing he does not have long she holds him closer and whispers in his ear

"You would do this all for me?"  "Yes, and a thousand times more if there was time."

She brushes a tear from his eye and leans closely, "We have nothing to fear.

We will do all these things and more in the coming year!"

But, he knows time is short, death hovers ever so close to him.

"My time is short, I am tired of the fight, I want to go home," he cries.  

"I know this is a fight we will not win," he stares at the lights so dim.

Over them unwillingly he does let sweet sleep sweep like a thousand fireflies

In the night a tear slips down her face, she knows that death is where their fate lies.

The dawn does break and he does rise if only for a while.
He speaks of his dreams and patiently awaits his flight.
She sits by his side quietly awaiting the end as the memories she does file.
No one will ever be able to make these things seem right.
But inwardly she smiles, realizing he has given her a lifetime in one night.

Widowhood: Starting Over Finding Me: One Year Later

Widowhood: Starting Over Finding Me: One Year Later

One Year Later

It's a rainy Monday in Houston, Texas.  And, I guess that this is just about the best way to begin this week.  Traditionally, the first week in February has been my blue time. On February 4, 1990, we lost our second son Travis.  And, I guess I can now add the third week in April to the list of blue periods.  Today marks the beginning of the end for my late husband and, I guess, me as I once was.  And, on Saturday the 21st of April, Aggie Muster will close the hardest week I have had in a long time.

A year seems like a long time, but in reality, it flies by one day melting into the next.  Then you wake up one morning and you realize it has past. Tears which were shed hourly, become daily, then weekly are now rare and short-lived.  Yes, I get sad daily but I don't cry everyday.   If you had told me this last year I would have called you a liar.  But, it is true time and life goes on.  Bridges are crossed or burned, we learn and go on.  And after a year,this year stands as an example of 5 truths I have learned over the last 365 days.

First, not all friends are true, real friends.  My mother once told me that if at the end of my life I could count on one hand my good friends I should consider myself blessed.  Believe it or not, I do this often.  I don't count my family as they are always there.  I just count those who don't have to be there but are.  Over the years, the list has shifted only a bit.  My bestest friend in the whole world, Adrienne and Patrick's best friend, Bobby and his wife Gloria continue to make the list.  Without the support of these individuals I don't know where I would be today.  However, some of the folks from the past are no longer on the list. Many of what we once called our friends, I am now lumping into the acquaintance category.  When Patrick first died, people came out of the woodwork with expressions of sympathy.  This died off shortly after the funeral and I was left with the work, and believe me it is work, of making sense out of life.  So many things changed, I had to leave a career that I really loved, I no longer had the support system my husband offered nor did I have my friends around for support, and I found myself feeling very alone.  After the first few weeks, offers of dinner, visits, and assistance came only from my true friends.   For whatever reason, after the funeral, I made some people very uncomfortable and they steered a wide path around me.  "We just don't know what to say to her."  And, "you know she will feel uncomfortable if we ask her to go with us."  If I ever have the chance to see these people, I will tell them that I did not change.  I am the same person I was with Patrick.  It is not me that makes them uncomfortable it is the thought of the eventual end each of us will know sooner or later.  And, that thought can be disconcerting to say the least.

Second, sometimes you must push yourself into the spotlight and shine.  Yes, I have to confess that I am a bit more outgoing (I have to be) than I used to be.  When you live with someone who embraces the world with a larger than life personality you blend into the background.  You become vanilla-plain sometimes even invisible. Now I know that it is in these times that you have to fight to find yourself.  You have to become comfortable in your own skin.  Find out who you are your likes and dislikes.  This year has given me a chance to say, "Hey, I'm not such a bad person.  I have a lot to offer my family, my company, and my friends."  Through self exploration we find talents that we don't even realize we have.  Recently, I had a meeting with some banker and was explaining the infrastructure of the company when I made the remark, "I have salespeople who do strictly sales.  I am not a good salesman at all."  The banker looked at me and said, "Stop right there.  You have been selling yourself all afternoon.  You are selling your integrity and the real person you are.  You are your product."  Wow, that hit me hard, never did I realize that just by being honest and sincere that I was selling the most valuable product I have-me.  That, my friends, is where and how each of us shine.  Although each day is still a learning experience and I must work each day to put one foot in front of the other, I take inventory of my talents each day and use these as my shining rays. Over the last year, my writing which started out as a "hobby" and a visual outlet for my inner feelings has become one of my greatest strengths.  I use it everyday in business.  Although I would rather spend time working on my novel or writing more poetry, writing to communicate clearly with staff and others in paramount to me these days.  Additionally, I have had to leave the safety of my box and become the center of attention many times.  I have found my voice.  At a business function where I had to stand up and introduce myself, I purposely waited until the end.  People generally remember the first, but they always remember the last.  Waiting for the others to make their introduction, I found myself staining to hear the others as they introduced themselves.  I hate, absolutely hate, it when I can't hear people.  When it was my turn, I stood up and loudly asked if people on the other side of the room could hear me explaining that it was a holdover from my educational background.  I commanded their attention. I was fearless.  Then I proceeded to introduce myself explaining how I came to be part of corporate America.  And, yes true to form, I even cracked a joke about it.  As a result, I made an impression.  In fact, the CEO of the bank sponsoring the event instructed his officers to "pursue me".  Today, I am holding an invitation to the CEO's home for cocktails and dinner.  I've come a long way from poor the little girl from East Slattery who was afraid of her own shadow and only dreamed of great things.  No you may say, "Uh, Tanyia, they are doing that just because they want your business."  Yes, that is true.  But, I was the only one from that luncheon who received an invitation to the CEO's home.

Third, sometimes strength means you stay and tough things out.  I realize that I am one of only three people (myself and our two children) who really knew my husband.  It was amazing to me how many people had no idea I even existed.  "We never knew Patrick had a wife."  Yeah, he did.  I was the one behind the scenes making sure the laundry was done, his suit went to the cleaners and was picked up, dinner was eaten (for those of you who know me, know I don't cook), his medicine was picked up etc.  I packed his clothes for each trip.  I was the smile at the end of the day and the kiss goodnight.  I was the ear he bent when he had a bad day and often times I was the one he took his bad days out on.  I dealt with the sullen and selfish Patrick people never saw.  I saw the man as a whole and loved him in spite of his flaws.  It pains me when people talk about how well they knew Patrick.  Most describe him as almost too perfect of a person.  Maybe this is part of the death experience to saintify those who have passed.  Yes, he could be kind, loving and compassionate.  But, these people did not know the real Patrick.  Ashley, J.R. and I are the only ones he really let into his world-the good and the bad.  And, despite all his faults he died very much loved by us.  As I have previously stated in older blogs, our marriage was less than perfect.  It was what I knew and it was for me, at the time, comfortable.  Yes, there was a time when I had one and a half-foot out the door.  And, I chose to stay.  It was the hardest decision I ever made. But, I know the path I took made me a stronger person and I do not for one minute regret staying.  You ask, would I do it again.  Probably, but I am a different person than I was a year ago so who really knows.

Fourth, deep inside each of us is a fighter.  When Patrick died, I could have just crawled into myself and continued to be vanilla.  No one would have noticed with the exception of a few people.  I could have continued on with my life as it was.  I chose to quit my job.  Contrary to popular belief, I loved my job.  It was never dull and I loved going to work.  For me, it was the perfect job.  However, I also knew that Sierra had put a roof over my head for many years.  It had been all encompassing for my husband, it was his life's dream. How could I not supervise it.  How could I let his staff down.  So, I, unwillingly at first, picked up the reins and took over the company.  No I am not a great business woman- YET-, but each day I get a little bit better.  I remember a comment made about President George Bush (43), "he may not be the smartest, but he does know how to surround himself with experts."  That is what I am doing.  I sought out a mentor in another Trailways franchise.  I have learned to say things like "I don't understand" and "Can you help me?"  So, I am not going down without a fight.  I have dug my heals in and to use an old adage, I am going to bloom where I am planted.  It may take a while, but I am making slow and steady progress making this company my own. In addition, shortly after my daughter's wedding I went back to Weight Watcher's.  Most who know me realize I have fought my weight all my life.  But, I realized that I needed to get control of it if I was going to live.  Once again the fighter came out. I began with swimming daily (see the pool is paying off), then I began walking, finally I got a personal trainer.  Yes, it is expensive.  But, after I paid MD Anderson, Kelsey Seybold, and St. Luke's, I realized that a healthy life is far less expensive. Today I am almost 100 pounds lighter and feel great. I won't lie, some days it is just plain hard.  But, the fighter in me stays and picks me up by the boot straps and I go on.  If you had told me a year ago I could do this I would have laughed.  I just didn't think I had it in me.  But, as you see I was wrong.  There is a fighter in everyone, we only have to unleash our limitation to see our possibilities.

Finally, live life like there is no tomorrow.   If I have learned nothing from this experience, it is that life is too short not to be happy.  My son sees me as a 54 year old teenager who needs monitoring.  Yes, I have done some crazy things, even for me, in the last year.  Rebelliously, I put in a pool.  Okay, I always wanted one.  And, on his death bed Patrick told me I could have one in my next house.  What the heck, I am not moving for a long time.  So, the pool was dug and I love swimming in it.  Next, I tried internet dating (E-Harmony- not so harmonious, Christian Mingle- not so Christian).  I have met some people who I would describe as not so great.  Many are opportunist who pray on widows and widowers asking for money.  And some who just want sex.  Now don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not everything.  I still want to be desired and wanted, but I also want someone to know the real me.  And, to want me for the inner me not just the physical me. I got rid of my gas guzzling SUV and purchased a red convertible.  Thing looks like Optimus Prime when it puts the top down.  And, man do I love driving with the top down.  However, I have begun to heed the warnings of some who caution me when and where to put the top down.  But, it is the most freeing experience I have ever had.  And, I have renewed old friendships and open myself up to things I did not do when Patrick was alive.  Anytime we went to a reunion, unless it was a high school event, it was always Patrick's.  I recently went to a Texas A & M Class of 80 mini reunion.  Although I have to admit, I only knew two people there; I had fun.  And, would feel good about going to another one.   Furthermore, I always wanted to be on a Rodeo Committee.  I just thought it looked like fun.  So, I joined.  And, guess what!  It is fun but a lot of hard work.  The jury is still out as to whether I will do it again next year or not.  After all, it is a year away and who knows what is in store for me.  I became more involved in my Church.  Lots of good people there.  And, it is one of the few places I feel totally free to be me, crazy me and all.  Finally, I live each day with the idea that happiness is something I deserve.  I have been seeing a man who actually makes my heart smile.  He is intelligent, perhaps a bit nerdy, but he challenges me to step into the possibility of who I can be.  Is he my boyfriend?  Well, he is a true friend at this point and he is a boy.....so perhaps you can call him that.   I find him charming, funny, and a lot of fun.  He even talked me into getting on his motorcycle, something I never thought I would do in a million years.  It was fun.  And, now we're talking about taking scuba lessons.  Could be a lot of fun.  And, right now folks, FUN is the name of the game.  So, to sum it all up, life is much too short not to open yourself to the possibilities of life.  You need to laugh often, love with all your heart, and drive with the top down.

And, to those who thought I couldn't make it.  I say nanny nanny boo boo.  I did.  I'm wiser, stronger and in better shape than ever.  In the immortal words of Elton John, "I'm still standing, yeah, yeah yeah!!"

Being Alone

Well folks, it has now been 9 months since the death of my husband.  Each time I blog, I want to leave my readers no matter whether they are walking a similar path or not with an bit of wisdom-something to think about.  Yeah, this is a writer's way of getting people to come back, but for me, it is much more than that.  For me this is about letting someone know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes it is so dim we barely see it.  But, we still have to focus on that light and move forward with our lives.  First, I believe the following things to be true.  One, if the loved one were living and you died, their life would not stop.  Yes, they would be sad, but eventually they would pull themselves out of the rabbit hole and get on with life.  Two, life is finite.  We have one opportunity to make the best of it.  Therefore, we cannot afford to waste time.  Three, time does heal.  You will never forget, but it does get easier.  So, for these reasons, we must force ourselves to focus on the light.  Second, I believe in a higher power and an afterlife where there is no pain or sorrow-  only happiness and peace.  But, in the here and now we have to practice these and they are not always easy to say the least.

As I believe the a fore mentioned principles to be true I am a believer that happiness can be found in the here and now.  It can be hard at first, so you have to make it a choice.  Now, I would be a liar if I told you I never have a sad moment.  I do.  But, they are now more of just that a moment.  I find myself crying less in the car.  I can't remember the last time I beat the steering wheel of my car and cursed life and God for that matter.  I am asking less "Why me?" questions.  Yes, I still get upset.  But now it is more directed at the fact I want to move on faster than God wants me to do.  It is these times, I take him out of the driver's seat and try to drive myself.  I get lost every single time.  I say things to people I regret.  Not intentionally mean things, but they are a bit inconsiderate.  God's radar for me is my daughter.  She and possibly my friend Adrienne are the only two people who seem to bring me into check and back to reality.  For all practical purposes, they are my GPS system.

Right now you are probably asking, "So where is this going?"  Well, I will tell you.  I was married for 30 years, dated the same man for 7 years before I married him.  And, like I have said before, I do want to find someone to share life with again.  Right now, today, I am not interested in getting remarried.  That may change-  I have learned to never say never.  But, for today, I want someone who enjoys some of the things I do.  Not everything mind you, how boring would that be.  It would be great if that person makes me stretch the person I am into becoming a better person.  Also, someone who accepts me as I am here today just as I am- unconditionally.  And, since I am now filling out my Santa wish list, I also want someone who is funny, adventurous (reasonably- I'm not climbing Everest at this point in my life), intelligent, well-spoken, and well yeah someone who can be not just a good friend, but a great friend.  And, it is on these things I have set out on my quest for companionship.  And, folks dating hasn't changed much in the last 34 years.  So, far I have been less than successful.

I first began by signing up for Christian Mingle one night.  You know the "Christian" dating site advertised on television late at night to attract all those lonely people who are up alone in bed with their dog or cat all by themselves who had just popped the top on the pitty me can.  Yep, I fell hook line and sinker.  My original thought was that everyone on the sight were well meaning God fearing people so I would be safe.  Not so much.  I quickly got e-mail for a man in Virginia.  Many of you know I have been working on a physical transformation and I figured having someone far away would allow me the time to finish this process before I actually had to met the man.  We began communicating via e-mail.  Then it proceeded to phone calls. Long calls, several a day.  I was acting like a love sick teenager.  Thousands of text messages.  This went on for 4 months.  We had decided to meet on New Year's Eve- how romantic.  He went out of the country right before Thanksgiving.  I was so excited I didn't know what to do.  We had difficulty staying in touch due to the time difference.  But on one particular afternoon at work, we talked via yahoo messenger.  During this time, he confided that he was having problems making his deal go through and was in a bind for cash.  As the conversation went on I heard the little man in the back of my head say, "Wait for it...."  And, then he actually asked me for $18,000.00.  What??????  Is this guy kidding me?  We ended the call.  I sat at my desk for a while, then I got mad.......no I got pissed off.  How could he ask me for money? Well, he knew I owned my own business and he probably figured I was stupid enough to fall for this ploy.  That, I believe, was his first mistake.  I am not stupid.  I told my daughter and several friends.  Yes, you bet I was hurt.  But, I used this as a learning experience.  Lesson learned:  Often there is a fox in the hen house. Beware, creeps are everywhere.

My next encounter was with a gentleman in Ft. Worth.  Once again, he was quite charming, he made me laugh and said all the right things.  The values he spoke of were similar to mine.  I went out with him.  First for coffee, then a couple of other times.  He said that he wanted to get to know me more.  I was special.  (I could have told him this.)  But, one remark stuck out in my mind....."You are so out of my league."  I should have clung to this and said, "You know you are probably right.  We aren't even in the same social class, we don't like the same things, I am more educated, I have more money, I live in a better house."  But, let's face it.  First, I am not rude.  Second, I am not that shallow.  And, third, I am far too trusting.  My reply was that shouldn't matter if the two people click and have chemistry.  I returned to Houston.  We had made plans for him to come down in two weekends.  We talked on the phone several times a day.  Each time he filled my apple basket with compliments, "You are beautiful, you are special, blah, blah, blah".  Anyway, you get the picture.  Once again the romantic love sick teenager reappeared.  (I really have to do something about her.  She is too much the dumb blonde for me.)  The following week, I agreed to go out with some friends and a friend of their's to dinner.  He seemed like a nice guy.  Heck, he even had a donkey.  I love donkeys.  In fact, I have always wanted one but I am afraid the HOA would frown on it.  So, I go by a house not too far from me every chance I get to see the tan and brown spotted donkeys.  He was intelligent (scary smart), he was tall, good-looking, had a job, didn't ask for money.  But, at the time, my head was too full of Ft. Worth to even give it a second thought.  The next time, Ft. Worth and I spoke I told him I had gone to dinner and that I really didn't think there.  The guy was nice, but I really didn't get the vibe he was interested.  Plus, if there was, I would not have seen it for the rose colored glasses I had on.  To make a long story short, the day before Ft. Worth was to come to Houston, he in short stopped calling.  His excuse was his mother had fallen ill.  Now, this may have been true.  I heard from him on Sunday on his way to church.  That was the last time I would ever hear from him.  No texts, no calls, no e-mails.  Except mine which simply said, "You told me the problem with your second marriage was that your wife did not communicate with you.  This my fiend is what I call not communicating.  Okay, maybe your mom is ill but it takes two seconds to text, 'Hey its crazy around here.  I'll call you in a couple of days.'  So, I am not so sure this is a family thing at all.  I won't bother you anymore."  Now, if I had received an e-mail like that I would have immediately texted something, but nothing.  I had my answer.  Time to move on.  Lesson learned:  Stop listening to the words with just my heart, listen with my mind as well.  Be cautious.

Okay, I did have a huge pity party the day Ft. Worth was supposed to come down.  And, I made some comments to my daughter which were uncalled for and inconsiderate.  There will never be enough I'm sorry's in my mind for my actions, but I am sorry.  So, I move on.  A couple of days ago, my friend asked me if she could give my number to her friend.  Sure why not.  It started out a little awkward, but the more I listened with my mind, I saw a different person.  The next day he sent a text message asking if I texted.  Really, did he think I lived in a bubble.  The text messages he sent opened the door for funny Tanyia to walk through.  And, I sent back a flippant response.  This started a string of similar responses on both sides.  Ah, this guy is funny and he gets my sense of humor.  Good sign.  We finally really talked for the first time last night.  He was vastly different from the other guys.  First, he is very intelligent and I didn't have to carry the conversation.  Nor, did I have to use small words.  He understands the big ones.  He told me about his parents which gave me a window into how much family meant to him.  I got to talk about psychological principle and he actually understood what I was talking about.  But, he went one step further he challenged me.  Oh my God, a chance for intelligent conversation about theory.  However, when he told me that my friends loved me and he wanted to get to know me.  "Your friends have told me that you have been through some things that a lesser person would have turned to alcohol or drugs.  That says a lot about your character.  I value my integrity with my friends.  So, let's get to know one another as friends.  Wow, could it be a true gentleman has emerged?  This I can do.  Friends sounds like a great place to start.  As, I too don't want to upset my friends.  We both are in a similar situation as far as that goes.  Plus, this guy seems to be a bit deeper than most.   So, he is definitely worth getting to know.  I'll let you guys know how this one turns out.

Final thought, get out of the rabbit hole.  Do what you need to do to make this happen.  If you need a therapist go see one, a support group find one, or simply talk with your friends.  Make happiness a choice in your life.  Notice the sunshine, notice the beauty in life, breathe in life.  You are alive and life is fleeting at best.  Make the rest of your life the best part of your life.

A Taste of my Book

Many of you have been after me to get working on this thing.  And, thanks to my friend Cyndi, I went to a writer's workshop.  I met an editor and had her read the first couple of chapters.  She was very enthusiastic about me finishing the project so I got working.  Maybe not as hard as I should have but I am on a roll now.
So, here is Chapter One of my original novel Glass House.  Please feel free to comment both positives and negative would be appreciated.

Chapter 1

     Jessica eased her seat back shortly after the plane had taken off.  The turbulence upon take off had not even affected her children.  Each had the peaceful look of blissful sleep upon their face.  Was she doing the right thing taking off like this and starting over?  Moving and starting over was one thing, but, in a different country?  There would be new schools, new friends, and new customs.  Was she asking too much of them?  After the death of her husband, she had applied for a government teaching job.  The pay was certainly better than her previous salary.  And, in addition, it offered a chance to start fresh leaving the sad memories behind.  It still felt like a dream to her.  When she had decided to apply for the job, it was on a whim.  Never believing she would actually, get the job she had had not considered the possibility of relocation.  Even as she interviewed with the school officials in their Virgina office, the thought never crossed her mind.  Yet, here she was on a plane heading for Europe.  First stop, London, then onto Greece where a teaching assignment waited for her beginning in September.

     Her love for literature gave her a driving desire to visit England, the home of so many great literary figures.  “It is so rich in history. And, there is so much I want to show the kids.  We will have to push to get it done in the time we have,” she thought.  Destiny will absolutely love England.  As she gazed at her daughter she realized the last few years had aged her well beyond her 19 years.  Yet, there was still a childlike innocence which surrounded her angelic face.  Each day she looked more and more like her father.  Jessica drew in a deep breath as she studied Destiny’s features.  She was the one to worry about.  Destiny had voiced concern when she had told them about the new job.  Yet, when push came to shove Destiny had informed Jessica that she would just have to continue her studies abroad.  But, was this asking too much of her daughter? 

     Then, there was Ian.  He too had been aged over the last three years.  But he was still a twelve year old at heart.  His only thought about the move was, “Well, maybe I’ll be on a winning baseball team there.” Days before the anticipated move, Ian had spent countless hours practicing his fast ball. Surely they would need a great pitcher at the school in Greece and he wasn’t about to let his arm get out of shape.  His excitement and zest for the new in a way made the move much easier for Jessica.  Through him she saw that all though change was scary and uncertain, it was that uncertainty which gave hope and excitement to the situation.

     Jessica looked out the window admiring the blue Atlantic.  In twelve hours they would be beginning a vacation which was at the doorway of a new life.  How she and Colin had dreamed of traveling to Europe when they retired and the children were in college.  Ever the practical one, Colin had always assured her that there would be time for travel and a new life.  His present day concerns had been getting ahead in his job.  Jessica never questioned the time he had spent on the job.  Often he would go for week working 10-14 hour days without taking time off.  Then, one evening he never came home.  Jessica paced nervously around their home and finally gave in and called his office.  No answer……She tried his cell. After several ring a weak voice answered the phone.  Jessica could tell it was Colin but couldn’t understand what he was saying. Something was wrong.  Thinking quickly, she picked up her cell phone and called the police.  Using the GPS in Colin’s phone, they located his car in a ditch.  The darkness of the eving had kept what few passing motorists there were from seeing his car.  Colin was alive but barely. 

     Jessica and the children rushed to All Saint’s Hospital where Colin had been taken.  There a very quiet nun had explained that Colin had suffered a severe stroke in addition to the injuries sustained in the crash. The Sister speculated that the stroke was probably what caused Colin to veer off the road.  But, he was alive and had a long and tedious recovery process in front of him.  Sparing no expenxe, Jessica employed the best specialist in the area.  When he was strong enough to leave thehospital, she enrolled him in a program designated specifically for stroke recovery. 

     Even with all the help money could buy, Colin was never the husband and father the family remembered.  For much of the last three years, he would sit catatonic.  Jessica and the children would try to engage him in the family life, but he simply had given up. Try as she might, Jessica tried to continue to care for Colin and maintain the status quo of the family.  But eventually, a nurse was hired to take care of him. 

     Realizing that Colin’s care would eventually depleted their financial assets, Jessica returned to work.  Teaching would not make them rich, but it would cover the cost of some of Colin’s ever srising medical expenses.  At the rate they were going, it would not take too long to eat the family nest egg. 

     As Daddy’s little girl, Destiny was devastated by Colin’s illness.  His unwillingness to try to get better frustrated the situation even more.  She would spend hours reading and talking to the man who once would tease her unmercifully, only to have him stare into space.  Ian, unsure how to handle the situation, kept telling his daddy he needed someone to help him with his pitching.  On afternoon Jessica returned from work to find that Ian had rolled his father’s wheelchair into the yard.  He was gently throwing the baseball into the lap of an unresponsive body.  When he say hes mother, he wiped the tears which were streaming down his face.  Then in a very grown-up manner, Ian collected his ball.  Walking past his mother he stated, “Dad is too tired to play right now.  I think I will go practice with Tim and his dad for a while.”  It was then Jessica realized, things were never going to improve.  Over the span of the next two years, Destiny worked to the brink of exhaustion on the job and at home.  Before she left for work, she made the kids lunches, washed clothes, fixed breakfast and did the dished.  Destiny’s job was to make sure that both she and Ian got to school on time.  When the nurse arrived, Jessica would leave for work returning home as quickly as possible.  The less time the nurse was there the less Jessica had to pay her.  After tending to Colin’s needs, the household chores, and paying bills, Jessica would return to her own work.  Often it was twelve or one before her head hit the pillow.  As she lay there alone, she would cry herself to sleep.  Then at 4:30 the next morning, the routine would start again.  Each day Colin seemed to drift further and further into a world of his own.  Gradually his once strong frame began to deteriorate into skin and bones.  He would sleep 18 to 20 hours a day.  As he shut himself off, his physical condition began to worsen.  Soon, doctors were prescribing more and more medication in an attempt to bring Colin out of his state.  Finally, grasping at straws Jessica took him to a psychiatrist who prescribed yet even more drugs. 

     Many of her friends told her to simply put Colin and a home and get on with her life.  Even several of Colin’s friends tried to convince her to do the same thing.  Colin’s best friend and business partner pleaded with her stating that if the situation was reversed Colin, wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing.  But, Jessica adored Colin and was determined to bring him back to his former state.  She never lost faith in the fact that this would happen one day.  Garrett’s remark had always struck Jessica as funny.  Garrett and Emily had been married much longer than she and Colin.  Although both marriages were picture perfect, Garrett and Emily was special.  Even when Emily was ill, Garrett would take off and help care for the house and children.  So, when Garrett suggested putting Colin in a home, Jessica was absolutely puzzled.  In fact, he had been at her side from the time Colin was brought into the ER at All Saint’s until he was released.  The remark haunted her until Colin’s funeral. 

     During the last year of his life, Colin simply gave up wanting to live.  He slipped into a vegetative state.  Therapists were hired to help move his muscles, but to no avail.  One morning, when Destiny went to tell her father goodbye, she found that he wasn’t breathing.  After calling for the nurse and 911, she called her mother at school.  But the time the paramedics reached him, it was too late.  Colin had finally slipped into his own private world-death.   

     Jessica and the children were devastated.  They had been through so much.  She became very angry but did not allow herself to cry.  During the funeral she remembered all their plans.  How could he just stop trying?  Weren’t we important to him?  How could he have done this to his children- to her.  He had cheated them out of three years of their life.  How could he be so selfish?  He didn’t even try to get better.  Why had he not tried?  The son-of-a-bitch.  Hadn’t he alwys said to give everything 150% of your effort.  Where was his 150%, for that matter even 60%?  As the anger built inside, she began to look around at those in attendance.  Several rows behind her was a beautiful young woman accompanied by a small boy.  The young woman seemed particularly upset.  Who was she?  Destiny had never seen her before.  Yet, the boy looked strangely familiar.  There was something about him that seemed to permeate the inner sanctum of her soul. 

     At the end of the funeral, the priest allowed Jessica and the children to see Colin for one last time.  She watched as Ian took a catchers mitt out of the sack he had been carrying all day into the casket.  Then, Destiny put a poem whe had written for him one Father’s Day when she was very little.  He had loved that poem and even had a copy framed and mounted in his office.  But, the original which he had kept in his jewelry box was now placed in the casket.  Through all of this Jessica did not cry.  When she placed the single red rose in the casket, she studied his features for the last time.  Lingering longer than she should, she looked at his peaceful expressing, the slightly almond shape of his once teasing blue eyes, strong cheek bones, and the gentle curve of his mouth.  Then, it hit her with all the power it had.  The woman, The boy….He looked like Ina when he was 3.  Oh God.  He was Colin’s son.  The bastard.  With this realization, Destiny turned slowly and took a long look at the boy.  Yes, that was it.  He hadn’t been working all those days and nights.  Garrett’s remark now became crystal clear.  He had known.  He had always known.  Yet, he let her continue to care for Colin as she did.  How many of these other people knew?  Oh God, the children can never know.  I have to protect them.  Jessica began to feel sick.  She had to escape.  Quickly she began to walk out to the waiting family car.

     At the gravesite, Jessica could hear the young woman telling the boy about Colin as she sobbed softly.  What a good man he was…how kind.  This only fueled her anger more.  How could this woman even consider coming here?  “Where was this woman when I was working 20 hours a day to keep my family alive?  Where?  How dare she even think about coming here with Colin’s bastard son?  Did he even know?  Or was that what drove him over the edge?

     As the mourners walked away after the graveside service, they filed past Jessica and the children giving their final respects.  The woman had the gall to look deep into her eyes as if she were searching for a connection or an answer.  As the boy smiled at Ian, Jessica made a vow.  They were going forward.  Colin had stolen three years from their lives.  They were going to live.  And the children would never know of Colin’s indiscretion-never.  Garrett was the last of the mourners to file past Jessica and the children.  He hugged both Ian and Destiny, assuring them that Uncle Garrett and Aunt Emily would always be there for them.  As he hugged her, she leaned into his ear and whispered, “Who is she Garrett?  What’s the boy’s name?”

     “Jess, not here,” he replied softly.  His eyes looked relieved and Jessica knew she had been right.  Her life passed in front of her quickly. What a fool she had been.  Gracefully, she took Ian’s hand and wrapped her arm around Destiny.  Together they made their way to the limousine.  In a few short hours this nightmare would all be over.  She did not cry.

     Now as the plane gently drifted across the clouds.  Jessica looked out the window and wept softly.

The Girl Within

Each day I learn a little bit more about myself.  Freedom is just that- freeing.  And, self discovery, to be honest, is way under rated.  It is amazing.  Through my journey, although often difficult, I have found inner strength and, yes, even peace.  This maybe one of the reasons I have been able to pick up the pieces of my life.  In doing so, I have compiled Tanyia's Top 5 Things She Never Knew about Herself.


Number 5:  I like Sushi.  For my daughter's birthday she wanted to take a group of her friends out to eat.  No problem, I can do that.  Then she told me we were going to have Sushi.  My brain screamed, "Gross.  Abort Mission Operation Happy Birthday."  Ah, let's see if she will compromise. " Ashley, what if I paid for dinner and took everyone to Pappas?"  Nope she wasn't having any of that.  So, I sucked it up and went to the restaurant with the girls.  Okay, I had the cooked stuff.  Remember, I am from Texas and the raw stuff we use as bait down here.  However, my precious little cousin Sara had bait.  But, if she likes it who am I to say anything.  But, I found that Sushi was actually good.  And, I have been back to the restaurant twice since Ashley's birthday.  Yet, [eating sushi] seems to be a girlie thing.  I can't get my son or general manager to agree to go there with me for lunch.

Number 4:  I am not a bad housekeeper.  For most of my marriage I spent begging for help keeping the house.  It was a tireless and never ending task.  I could work from morning to night and it was never clean.  I can remember the first time I went out of town for work.  I came back and the house was a disaster.  My husband and children claimed they were all simply too busy to do anything.  In retrospect, I remember thinking I should have done a better job preparing for the trip.  I should have left the house spotless.  Well, in actuality, I had left the house in good condition.  Asking the family to fold the clothes that were on the couch was not more than they could reasonably do.  Fold the clothes that was all.  And, that was the way things went even after the kids moved out.  I could never keep up.  Finally, after many years, I was allowed help one day a week.  Every week before the help came I would feverishly clean the house.  I was exhausted.  Yet, since I have been alone, I have moved the cleaning to once every 2 weeks.  The main thing I need help with is mopping the floors.  I hate to mop.  Plus, every few days, I can sweep up enough dog hair to build another dog.  But, for the most part, I am now having to find things for my housekeeper to do.

Number 3:  I have the power to change my life.  For most of my life, I was told what I needed and didn't need by my parent, my in-laws, and Patrick.  So, having the freedom to choose did make me a little crazy.  Having the ability to make a choice is so taken for granted.  Having been a part of a team for 30 years, I had kinda adapted.  It was easier to go along with the flow and not rock the boat than to put up a fuss to get my way.  Patrick always told people we discussed things.  Oh, yes there was discussion......then we did things his way.  It was just easier to go along to get along.  So, after his death I kinda went off the deep end doing things that I wanted to do just because I couldn't do it before.  I Finished all the renovations I wanted to do to the house.  Put in a pool.  On his death bed, believe it or not he told me I could have a pool in my next house.  When I asked why not this house, I was told I didn't need it.  At first, I thought, I was told not to do this, but then, I realized it was my decision.  I love to swim and always wanted a pool.  So I went for it.  Before the weather changed, I swam every day.  And, I don't mean just floated around.  I swam for a good hour each day. Those days, I would think to myself, I love this pool.  The pool was my first step to making my house my home.  Yes, there is a difference.  It had been my home with Patrick for 16 years.  I had to make it mine.  It needed to reflect me.  And, I had to not only realize I had the ability to do this, I had to embrace it as well.  I had the power.  However, that power had been with me all along.  I just didn't access it.  Because, if I had saved for a pool myself, I could have put it in long ago.  Over the years, I had taken the easy path.  The path of least resistant.  And, to make a long story short, I had become a doormat.  Yet, inside me was the ability to change.  All I had to do was reach for it.

Number 2:  I like living healthy.  My friends know that I have been on a health kick since shortly after Patrick died.  His death at 53 was a wake-up call for me.  No, I never smoked nor did I drink in excess, but I still did not have the best habits known to man.  I ate the wrong foods.  Like most Texans Chicken Fried and bacon wrapped were staples of our diet.  Patrick hated anything with feathers so to say our house was a meat and potatoes house would be no exaggeration.  The only green vegetables he would eat were green beans and English peas.  Salads were eaten rarely.  And, when they were, they were covered with cheese and dressing.  Granted, the food was wonderful, it simply wasn't good for me.  Since I have been alone, it is amazing how easy it has been to follow the diet set out by Weight Watchers.  The frozen meals aren't too bad and there is very little clean up which I think is AWESOME!!!  And, I find it easy to follow when I go out to eat.  Actually, I like grilled chicken, fish, fresh vegetables and fruit.  Heck, I have even found an ice cream that is healthy.  Second, out habits of rest were not the best either.  I would venture to say that I got between 5-6 hours of sleep a night and then would crater on the weekends.  Now, in the beginning, I went to bed early because of lack of things to do.  But, I soon realized that 8 hours of sleep was what I needed to be alert and function.  Now, after I finish my nightly chores, it is not uncommon to find me laying in bed watching TV and then lights out at 10.  Not only have my eating and sleeping habits changed, my lifestyle has changed.  Each day I walk and twice a week I go to a personal trainer.  Yes, in the beginning it was hard to get into the routine.  But, now that I am, it seems unnatural not to put activity in my life.  And, I can't wait for April when the weather warms up enough for me to swim again.

And, the Number 1 thing I learned about myself is. ........In the words of Stuart Smally, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it I'm worth it."  Even though my ego was bruised and bashed by some of my husbands actions, I have had to take a long look at myself.  For a 53 year old, I don't look too bad.  Yes, I have flaws.  But, I am working on my weight.  If you don't understand how someone can feel so bad that they turn to food for comfort, I do.  I have developed good, healthy habits not because someone told me to, but because I wanted to do it.  Tonight, I was given one of the bestest compliments I have had in years.  And, I use bestest because it was better than best.  A friend asked me what I was doing because my butt was looking good.  Wow, I could have kissed her.  It is the part of my body that I hate and to have someone tell me it was looking good.  Well, you can't image how good that made me feel. I have great skin thanks to the humid Gulf Coast weather.   I have beautiful blue eyes that sparkle when I laugh.  And, I love to laugh.  My friends say that I am funny and a blast to be around.  So, I am likable.  But, most important, I have a heart of gold with the ability to give chance after chance after chance.  I believe that good is within everyone and strive to find it.  I love deeply and passionately.  So, I am worth every happiness this world has to offer.  I am going to take my time to find it.  Yes, you got me right ladies and gentlemen, I would love to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with.  But, the reality is even if I don't I already have that special person.....me.  And, the first step to truly loving someone is is to love yourself first.  And, to be honest, I have found that I have great qualities and am now comfortable in my skin.  And, that folks is priceless.

Holidays....So What's the Deal?

I just had my first holiday as a "single" woman. And, I am here to tell you it ain't as bad as people want you to believe. On Friday before Thanksgiving, one of my staff came into my office and said, "I know that next week will be had for you." It didn't hit me that she was talking about Thanksgiving. I actually thought she was talking about the first time Patrick died. Yep, November 19th was the first anniversary of the night he died and was saved through some very heroic actions of doctors and nurses at St. Luke's Hospital. 

I replied, "Yeah, the 19th will probably be hard," and, went on my way. But, the seed had been planted. Should I be feeling upset? Am I supposed to be miserable for the holidays. Maybe it is in the Widow Rule Book somewhere? Oh, wait, that book doesn't exist. There are no rules. Then the old Grief Master slowly crept into my mind. And, it wasn't too long before everything I did reminded me of holidays past. It was like the first act from A Christmas Carol, Ground Hog Day style. And, I was sucked into an abyss of self pity. 

Don't know if you have ever fallen down that hole, but it is a dark and dank place. It is here you question God's wisdom. Many of you know that my husband was not the ideal husband and shortly before he got sick I was ready to call it quits. But, through counseling and prayer we were putting our lives back together. Now, mind you there are some things I will never forget, but I did forgive him. That being said, one of my questions for God was why was I the one left to deal with all the mess. I had been the "good" one. Always done what was expected of me. Took care of my family, worked like a Trojan, took care of both sets of parents and several of my husbands aunts. It seemed like I had gone out of my way to be the perfect wife. Now, here I am dealing with a company I am not real sure what to do with, taxes (I officially hate the IRS), home repairs, bills, banks, and the list goes on and on. These are things I never had to deal with before. Yeah, some of the things on the list didn't happen in a timely fashion. Uncle Sam, I am sorry that during Tax season my husband was dying and well filing an extension just seemed reasonable. So, why can't you be understanding. But, I know late is still late. And, that maybe my problem, I want things done on time. See how easy it is to get sucked down the rabbit hole.

When I was having my pity party, Ashley came in and I voiced my thoughts about getting the "bad" end of the deal. She looked me in the eye and said, "You know Mom, did you ever think that Dad had to go through all of that so he could be saved? You have always believed that God was your savior. But, it wasn't until the end that I really feel that Dad understood the world the way you do. God still has plans for you. There is someone out there for you. Remember you once told me to guard my heart. You need to remember that." Then, she simply turned and walked out of the room.

Bam. Right in the face. There it was. She was right. God has plans for me and I just need to be patient. Stop trying to help him. Let him drive. I began to crawl out of the hole. It was then that I came to some conclusions. First, I have a great family who make me feel special and loved each and every day. This is not just my children and immediate family of cousins. But, it extends to my church family Trish, Troy, Kathy, Russ, Renee, Paul, Mary and the list goes on. When I think back to Patrick's funeral I realize that the Church was packed. Many were friends and business associates of Patrick's but a lot of those in attendance didn't know my husband at all. They were there for me. Since his death, I have opened myself up to these people and I can't imagine my life without anyone of them. Next, a holiday is simply that. According to the Wikipedia is a day designated as having special significance for which individuals, a government, or a religious group have deemed that observance is warranted. No where in the definition does it say we have to be sad because someone is no longer there to celebrate. And, to be frank, in the past holidays were really just a whole lot of work for me. I was in the kitchen, I played hostess, I did the dishes, I cleaned the house. And, when everyone left, I rarely got so much as a thank you. So, much for the happy family holiday where hearth and home was held high. It was just a lot of work. So, really it is no different than any other day. Third, each day life changes. The seasons change, leaves turn, life goes on. People all around you die every day. Life is about change. Without change we stagnate and in return do not grow. Growth makes us who we are....It is the decorations on our tree. Furthermore, everyday is a cause for thanks. When I pull the top back on my convertible I feel the warmth of the sunshine, the wind in my face, the roar of the wind. I feel alive. I am thankful for the small things in life on a daily basis. Thanksgiving is a commercial time to remind people to give thanks. Well, everyday I thank God that he has given me these things. But, most of all I thank him for loving me in spite of my screw ups. He loves me how I am and where I am. No matter what I have done or not done. He loves me and forgives me. Man what a great feeling that is. And, finally, those people who try to tell me that the holidays will be hard are my version of the Grinch. Like the Grinch who stole all the Christmas Cheer in Whoville thinking he would silence their merry making, these people, even though they are well-meaning, are clueless to the fact that they steal holiday joy and the hope of future memories. And, Ashley, well she was my Cindyloo Who, reminding me that holidays were not about the past they are about the future. So, together our family, Ashley, Johnnie, J.R., Marie and I made new memories in a new house in a new town. It wasn't bad at all. 

If you are thinking, how can she be so callous? How can her husband not even enter her mind? Well, he did and he does. And, probably will for the rest of my life. But, I choose to remember the good and not the bad. No, like I said before I can't forget the bad. But, I choose to focus on the good. He is no longer with me, so I have no choice other than move forward with what is left of my life. Make new memories and new tradition. It's really not bad to do this. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe that true love exists and that there is someone out there who will accept me where I am with all my flaws and quirkiness. There are many things I still want to do with my life and many places I want to go. This is my time and I plan to make the rest of my life full of adventure and leave my family with the knowledge that I lived life to its fullest looking forward not backward and leaving a legacy of love and knowledge of God.