I know it has been a while since I have written anything. And, it's not that I haven't had anything to write, life had just gotten in the way. One of my favorite responses to people when they ask me, "How are you doing?" is "Probably better than I should". You see I have made happiness a choice. Each day I wake up and know that I have one chance to make it a good day. No, as I have often said, this is not the way I figured my life. This just was not in the Tanyia Conner master plan. But, I am a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle so I guess you can say, He has the confidence in me to handle each task that is ahead of me. So, I face each day with confidence.
One thing I have discovered is that everyone has an opinion of how I should feel. It is too soon for this, or poor thing she is just so beside herself with grief that is why she stays so busy. To those people I say simply pshaw. I stay busy because it is what I love to do. I am doing the things that I truly love to do. For the first time in my life, I have the ability to just let go and listen to my heart. I am picking and choosing what I want to do. I have a passion for my faith. I am by no means hiding behind God to mask my sadness. But, my church is where I not only feel the most peaceful, it is where I am accepted where I am. Yes, they ask how I am doing, but not in the same way others do. They know I am trying to move on with my life. It is where I here things like, "I am so proud of you" and "You are such a positive person." Yep, by staying positive I am able to face each hurdle as it comes. One by one, I am overcoming each obstacle and adjusting to my new life.
Recently I h,ad the opportunity to go Cursillo at Camp Allen. For those who are not Episcopalian, it's kind of like a retreat. We were on God's time. All watches and clocks were removed for me that was not hard. The silent retreat which lasted about 12 hours was brutal. Those of you who know me personally, know being quiet is not one of my strong suits. I am for lack of better words a blabbermouth. But, it gave me time to think. And, to listen. Sometimes we are so busy thinking that we don't listen to the voice inside which is guiding us toward something. I had asked for a private room because on occasion I had been crying myself to sleep. That first night was the last night I cried myself to sleep. I had jokingly told my sponsor that I did not sleep well with strangers. In fact, I told her, "What if I fart in my sleep?" Being the true Angel she is, Susan managed to get me a private room. These night alone gave me an opportunity to reflect and plan what I want to do with the rest of my life. And, you know what, I came to a couple of conclusions.
First, I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am not giving up my dream of being a chaplain. With every once of my being, I know that this is what I was made to do. My training as a counselor and Stephen Minister have led me to this path. When Patrick was in St. Luke's, I have the privileged of meeting Dr. Ann Brotherton. She is one of the Episcopal Priests in the hospital. She and I talked about it and the staff even called with training information. But, now is not the time. I do believe it will happen, but in God's time. So for now, to feed myself spiritually, I will become involved in other Ministries at Good Shepherd. I am going to return to my level of involvement prior to Patrick's illness. Last Sunday, I told Father Bob I wanted to return to Children's Church. My friend Trish has put me in charge of the silent auction at the Octoberfest. I told her to keep me busy, well she took me at my word. Thanks Trish for being yo
Second, I am not comfortable being alone. Yes, I have proven to myself that I can do it. I no longer go to sleep with all the lights on. I am now down to just the TV on low for background noise. Okay, okay, I do have a wonderful security system which includes a video surveillance system. But, that is besides the point. I like company. Remember, I talk a lot. Yes, I have three super canine pals, but they are not the best conversationalists. I want to giggle and laugh. This is who I am. I need to do these things as much as breath. This is part of me. It makes me who I am. So, my friends will be seeing a lot more of me sooner than they thought.
Third, I am a lot stronger than many give me credit for being. I recently told someone about how stressful my week had been, but I refused to let it get the best of me. After I give the Reader's Digest version of my drama, I was told but you are a woman. Yep, I am, but I am a strong and independent woman. No one has ever really "taken care of me." Patrick with all his wonderful qualities, never "took care" of me. I did a lot on my own. I can plumb a toilet, fix a light, paint a room, do yard work and these were things I did before I was alone. Since then I have negotiated with repairmen and contractors, which led to the renovation of my back yard. I have remodeled my closet. And, I have found that I am a pretty good housekeeper. I just don't like to do it as I feel there are a lot better ways to spend my time. Genieva has cleaned my house for years and even took care of Patrick which allowed me to work. She jokes when she comes over now that she really doesn't know what to do. "Can you make me a list of something to do?" she begs. I don't know that I would be able to be "taken care of". Sure there are things that it would be great to have someone do for me. I don't like lizards or spiders or roaches or .......the list could go on and on. But the question for me be would I ever be able to relinquish some of this independence. That is doubtful. During my marriage to Patrick, I walked a step behind. I let him be the center of attention. He could be bigger than life. But, in the background, I was going to graduate school. Graduating from UH with a 3.89 for my MS in Counseling and a perfect 4.0 for my MEd from Lamar University. He always told me I was the brain in the family. When we would talk about schooling, he often times made me feel that he envied me.
Funny, I felt lost and just wanted him to notice me. But, all of this has formed me into the woman I am today. Yes, I am a woman, but I am strong and independent ready to stand on my own. When the time comes, I will need someone to walk beside me not in front or behind. But, I have to admit, I wouldn't mind someone to take some of the pressure off of me. I will miss Patrick everyday for the rest of my life. But, the last thing we talked about was my future. During our last coherent conversation, Patrick told me. "I want you to live a life full of happiness. Live for both of us. I will never leave you. You won't know I am there, but I will be. Don't be afraid, you are strong. You are smart, you can do anything you put your mind to. And, most of all listen with your heart. It has never let you down yet."
So, as I stand on the precipice of my life, I breath in with a new vigor. For me, in the immortal words of Celine Dion, "A New Day Dawns."
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Odd things Widows and Widowers Do that to Us are Normal
After talking to several widows, I have found some common ground. Everyone deals with grief differently. In a way we are so afraid we will forget our loved ones that we can sometimes go overboard. But, as I talk to other widows, I am beginning to laugh about some of the funny things we do. This lidt does not apply to everyone and it is by far not a complete list. And it is not all funny, some is sad. But, let's face it we are going through a time that is like a roller coaster ride. We are told to remember the good times and live on our memories, but each day we wake up and are hit with the hard reality that things are never going to be the same again. Trust me it is an adjustment. So, here is my latest top 10.
10. Wonder if we are ever going to be happy again. I wonder this a lot. It's not that I am unhappy, I just feel alone and mostly numb. Even in a crowd, I feel I am different from everyone else. There are times I even wonder maybe I am supposed to be numb for the rest of my life. I see older couples and my heart actually hurts. I know I will never have this. Call it jealousy, envy or whatever, it is the way I feel.
9. Bury ourselves in pictures - I always had pictures of the kids hanging up around the house and a couple of Patrick and I but never did I have tons of pictures of him around the house. And, I don't even think when we were dating that I had one on my nightstand. Well, I do now. He is the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I see when I turn off the light.
8. Retell stories about things you did together- I know my kids are tired of hearing, "Your dad and I did...." or "Dad would have.....". The truth is I can only speculate what Dad would have done. But, this is my way of keeping his memory alive.
7. Indulge ourselves- Okay, I am so guilty of this it is not funny. Right now as I write I am sitting with my new kitten on my shoulder. He is a cute little fellow who was all alone like me. He is my shop cat. As an official employee, his job description reads Vice President of Elimination. (He is going to keep the mice out of the office.) Patrick is probably stomping around in Heaven about now. Thinking Really, Tanyia, another cat? You don't need it. And, he would be right, I did not need it I wanted it. Just like I wanted the pool that I am having put in the backyard. Patrick hated the idea of a built in pool. I always had a "ghetto" pool as my kids called it. It was my theory that Patrick would be so embarrassed by the pool that he would just give in, but he never did. So, I had no one to tell me no and I am putting in a pool. Believe it or not, I have spoken to several widows who have done the same thing.
6. We keep their cell phones active- I know its seems erey, but every now and then, it is nice to hear their voice on their answering machine. In a way, it is our way of keeping them alive in our minds. Some, including yours truly, have even gone to the extent of leaving them messages. I kind of think of it as a direct line to God now.
5. Don't erase messages left them- I wish I was not a Nazi when it comes to erasing messages. Patrick left me some really sweet messages over the last couple of years. I would give anything to hear them again. Many of those I talk to tell me they are the most dear things they have.
4. Leave lights on- One of the ladies I talked to told me "I can handle the days, but it is the nights that are hard." I think the closeness a husband and wife share does increase especially at night. I know for a while, I would go to sleep with every light in the house on. First, I will confess, I am a scaredy cat. I don't like the dark, I hear gremlins when the house creaks and the kids have convinced me over the years that there is a ghost that lives in our attic. Our house was built on what used to be a dirt road and legend has it that during the 30's whiskey runners used it and several met their makers there. Kinda sounds like the plot of Poltergeist but its the truth. However, I have now gotten used to turning off the lights and going to sleep. But, it took a while. I think that as a society we think of death as darkness, so if we light everything up we will be safe. I don't know it is just my theory.
3. Do things that are out of character- This is one that causes my kids, especially my daughter, to scratch their heads. In the past I would not have been caught in an ice house. Yet, I was talked into going to one with a friend of mine and conversed with some rather shady individuals. First, although my kids say that I talk to everyone, that is not exactly true. I talk to people I feel safe around. For this reason, I can be viewed as snooty, abrupt, and, yes, even rude. But, I am not. I just have to be comfortable. But, at the ice house, I talked to a grizzly biker and his friend. This is not something I advise doing. I was not "Born to Be Wild", so I am going to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. But, at the time I though Uh, why not? What can it hurt?. Truth is I could have been hurt. So, a word to the wise, think before you act.
2. Be angry- I get angry at silly things. Right now my anger is directed at the power company. (Yeah, I know leaving all the lights on......) I think they are all blood suckers who take our money. We are held captive. Really, how did the early settlers handle this heat in Texas? It is so hot that we have to pay "blood money" for the luxury of staying comfortable. I don't know about you but with the thermometers reading like they are...I only get comfortable not cold. And, each time the AC kicks on I hear them laugh.
1. Cry at silly things- I think this is our excuse to cry. I cry at movies, television shows, the news, songs, books, stories, and crap.....even commercials. This seems to be much more socially appropriate than crying because we are just plain sad and our heart is hurting. I don't like to cry around my son and daughter. My daughter has always seen crying as a sign of weakness. However, I don't think she really believes it. On the other hand, my son goes into super over protective mode. Yesterday would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. I held it together until I was on my way home. Around 7:30 my daughter called. "Mom are you okay? I don't know how to put this....." I knew what she was asking. But, I did not allow myself to cry. It was not until she called back at 9:00 that I allowed myself to bawl. When I cry, it is not a pretty sight. My nose gets stopped up, I can't breath, I choke on anything I put in my mouth. So, as I am choking, coughing, blowing my nose (loudly I might add), and crying, she listened. Never once did she tell me to stop. That was truly one of the most loving gifts she has ever given me.....the permission to cry.
As always, I welcome your comments. I want this to be an open forum. If you don't want to comment here, feel free to e-mail me at tanyiaconner@gmail.com
10. Wonder if we are ever going to be happy again. I wonder this a lot. It's not that I am unhappy, I just feel alone and mostly numb. Even in a crowd, I feel I am different from everyone else. There are times I even wonder maybe I am supposed to be numb for the rest of my life. I see older couples and my heart actually hurts. I know I will never have this. Call it jealousy, envy or whatever, it is the way I feel.
9. Bury ourselves in pictures - I always had pictures of the kids hanging up around the house and a couple of Patrick and I but never did I have tons of pictures of him around the house. And, I don't even think when we were dating that I had one on my nightstand. Well, I do now. He is the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I see when I turn off the light.
8. Retell stories about things you did together- I know my kids are tired of hearing, "Your dad and I did...." or "Dad would have.....". The truth is I can only speculate what Dad would have done. But, this is my way of keeping his memory alive.
7. Indulge ourselves- Okay, I am so guilty of this it is not funny. Right now as I write I am sitting with my new kitten on my shoulder. He is a cute little fellow who was all alone like me. He is my shop cat. As an official employee, his job description reads Vice President of Elimination. (He is going to keep the mice out of the office.) Patrick is probably stomping around in Heaven about now. Thinking Really, Tanyia, another cat? You don't need it. And, he would be right, I did not need it I wanted it. Just like I wanted the pool that I am having put in the backyard. Patrick hated the idea of a built in pool. I always had a "ghetto" pool as my kids called it. It was my theory that Patrick would be so embarrassed by the pool that he would just give in, but he never did. So, I had no one to tell me no and I am putting in a pool. Believe it or not, I have spoken to several widows who have done the same thing.
6. We keep their cell phones active- I know its seems erey, but every now and then, it is nice to hear their voice on their answering machine. In a way, it is our way of keeping them alive in our minds. Some, including yours truly, have even gone to the extent of leaving them messages. I kind of think of it as a direct line to God now.
5. Don't erase messages left them- I wish I was not a Nazi when it comes to erasing messages. Patrick left me some really sweet messages over the last couple of years. I would give anything to hear them again. Many of those I talk to tell me they are the most dear things they have.
4. Leave lights on- One of the ladies I talked to told me "I can handle the days, but it is the nights that are hard." I think the closeness a husband and wife share does increase especially at night. I know for a while, I would go to sleep with every light in the house on. First, I will confess, I am a scaredy cat. I don't like the dark, I hear gremlins when the house creaks and the kids have convinced me over the years that there is a ghost that lives in our attic. Our house was built on what used to be a dirt road and legend has it that during the 30's whiskey runners used it and several met their makers there. Kinda sounds like the plot of Poltergeist but its the truth. However, I have now gotten used to turning off the lights and going to sleep. But, it took a while. I think that as a society we think of death as darkness, so if we light everything up we will be safe. I don't know it is just my theory.
3. Do things that are out of character- This is one that causes my kids, especially my daughter, to scratch their heads. In the past I would not have been caught in an ice house. Yet, I was talked into going to one with a friend of mine and conversed with some rather shady individuals. First, although my kids say that I talk to everyone, that is not exactly true. I talk to people I feel safe around. For this reason, I can be viewed as snooty, abrupt, and, yes, even rude. But, I am not. I just have to be comfortable. But, at the ice house, I talked to a grizzly biker and his friend. This is not something I advise doing. I was not "Born to Be Wild", so I am going to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. But, at the time I though Uh, why not? What can it hurt?. Truth is I could have been hurt. So, a word to the wise, think before you act.
2. Be angry- I get angry at silly things. Right now my anger is directed at the power company. (Yeah, I know leaving all the lights on......) I think they are all blood suckers who take our money. We are held captive. Really, how did the early settlers handle this heat in Texas? It is so hot that we have to pay "blood money" for the luxury of staying comfortable. I don't know about you but with the thermometers reading like they are...I only get comfortable not cold. And, each time the AC kicks on I hear them laugh.
1. Cry at silly things- I think this is our excuse to cry. I cry at movies, television shows, the news, songs, books, stories, and crap.....even commercials. This seems to be much more socially appropriate than crying because we are just plain sad and our heart is hurting. I don't like to cry around my son and daughter. My daughter has always seen crying as a sign of weakness. However, I don't think she really believes it. On the other hand, my son goes into super over protective mode. Yesterday would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. I held it together until I was on my way home. Around 7:30 my daughter called. "Mom are you okay? I don't know how to put this....." I knew what she was asking. But, I did not allow myself to cry. It was not until she called back at 9:00 that I allowed myself to bawl. When I cry, it is not a pretty sight. My nose gets stopped up, I can't breath, I choke on anything I put in my mouth. So, as I am choking, coughing, blowing my nose (loudly I might add), and crying, she listened. Never once did she tell me to stop. That was truly one of the most loving gifts she has ever given me.....the permission to cry.
As always, I welcome your comments. I want this to be an open forum. If you don't want to comment here, feel free to e-mail me at tanyiaconner@gmail.com
Da Da Da Da Da Da Monday, Monday, Can't Help that Day
[My apologies to my readers, I was unable to post this last night. Not only was I submersed in a pity party but my IPAD was being squirrelly.]
Happy Monday readers. We have made it through yet another weekend. I hope this finds everyone having had the wonderful weekend where they were able to pay attention to themselves not just rest and relax.
I know I did. Saturday, I went to a writer's conference. It was fabulous. But, had it not been for a friend of mine (Thank you, Cyndi), I would have completely missed out on this experience. For sometime I have been telling my friends about a book I have written. The process had begun several years ago and I had put it up several time. My friends had seen some of my poetry and many had been subjected to my humorous rantings through e-mails, but none had ever really seen my writings. That was until I started blogging. Over the course of the last months several people have told me how much they really enjoy my blogs. I was beginning to feel more and more confident about my craft. And, that is what this is a craft. This is my art. I am a painter of words. Like a painter I have to pay attention to details as it is through these details that readers become involved. It is what draws you to the work. But, it was not until I had the push from my friend did I do anything about it.
I spent the entire day with other local writers, many of which were already published learning the tricks of the trade. I went from thinking this is a dumb idea. I will never be published. To thinking....Hey this is possible. The day opened a door into a community of very creative people who were so warm and welcoming it was amazing. Everyone had tips and ideas on what to do. I felt like a sponge soaking up everything I could. At the end of the day I was saturated with not only information but hope.
Behenna's 5th point to becoming extraordinary is attention. Paying attention to ourselves not only helps distress from the week, it also opens doors to who we are. What we fail to do is look past the superficial things. Yes, it is great do get your nails and hair done. Don't get me wrong. I love to do these things too. I call these days my "Princess days". But, they don't help you grow as a person. They have no value in that realm. And, if we are to evolve into extraordinary people we have to on occasion exercise that part of us. Finding something you love to do is the first hurdle. I have friends who can sit for hours and scrapbook. They like to go to scrapbook workshops and classes. Some may see this as not only boring but a waste of time and money. Yet, this is their way of finding themselves. Think what history would have been like if Julius Cesar's mother had scrapbooked. Imagine what we could have really known. Scrapbooking in a way records history. These ladies are not just recording events, they are defining their hopes, dreams, and life through pictures and words. I also have several friends who quilt. Quilting is amazing ask someone who does it. Quilts often contain messages that many of us miss. We feel they are just blankets. Ask a quilter? Nay, Nay these are stories and works of love. But, the women who practice this craft are finding themselves just like I am. It is through the focusing on the end product that the beauty and the real message emerges. However, staying focused on our goals and paying attention to our inner self helps is difficult especially for those who like me juggle many things at once.
But it is not just paying attention to ourselves, it is paying attention to others. Being able to listen to others. Taking constructive criticism and turning into a positive is a wonderful ability. Having the ability to open our selves up to the world to critic our end product. True there are going to be some people who don't like it. My son, whom I love dearly, has never once read one of my pieces. To him this is a waste of time. But, to me it is who I am. And, it's sad that he is missing that piece of me. When I write, I write from my heart. Everything is out on the table. I invite comments and critiques. Hey, and if you don't feel like commenting on the blog, send me an e-mail.
In closing I challenge each one of you to take time this week to find something you are passionate about, stay with it (be persistent), keep a good attitude no matter what, reach out to those around you, and most of all pay attention to yourself.
Happy Monday readers. We have made it through yet another weekend. I hope this finds everyone having had the wonderful weekend where they were able to pay attention to themselves not just rest and relax.
I know I did. Saturday, I went to a writer's conference. It was fabulous. But, had it not been for a friend of mine (Thank you, Cyndi), I would have completely missed out on this experience. For sometime I have been telling my friends about a book I have written. The process had begun several years ago and I had put it up several time. My friends had seen some of my poetry and many had been subjected to my humorous rantings through e-mails, but none had ever really seen my writings. That was until I started blogging. Over the course of the last months several people have told me how much they really enjoy my blogs. I was beginning to feel more and more confident about my craft. And, that is what this is a craft. This is my art. I am a painter of words. Like a painter I have to pay attention to details as it is through these details that readers become involved. It is what draws you to the work. But, it was not until I had the push from my friend did I do anything about it.
I spent the entire day with other local writers, many of which were already published learning the tricks of the trade. I went from thinking this is a dumb idea. I will never be published. To thinking....Hey this is possible. The day opened a door into a community of very creative people who were so warm and welcoming it was amazing. Everyone had tips and ideas on what to do. I felt like a sponge soaking up everything I could. At the end of the day I was saturated with not only information but hope.
Behenna's 5th point to becoming extraordinary is attention. Paying attention to ourselves not only helps distress from the week, it also opens doors to who we are. What we fail to do is look past the superficial things. Yes, it is great do get your nails and hair done. Don't get me wrong. I love to do these things too. I call these days my "Princess days". But, they don't help you grow as a person. They have no value in that realm. And, if we are to evolve into extraordinary people we have to on occasion exercise that part of us. Finding something you love to do is the first hurdle. I have friends who can sit for hours and scrapbook. They like to go to scrapbook workshops and classes. Some may see this as not only boring but a waste of time and money. Yet, this is their way of finding themselves. Think what history would have been like if Julius Cesar's mother had scrapbooked. Imagine what we could have really known. Scrapbooking in a way records history. These ladies are not just recording events, they are defining their hopes, dreams, and life through pictures and words. I also have several friends who quilt. Quilting is amazing ask someone who does it. Quilts often contain messages that many of us miss. We feel they are just blankets. Ask a quilter? Nay, Nay these are stories and works of love. But, the women who practice this craft are finding themselves just like I am. It is through the focusing on the end product that the beauty and the real message emerges. However, staying focused on our goals and paying attention to our inner self helps is difficult especially for those who like me juggle many things at once.
But it is not just paying attention to ourselves, it is paying attention to others. Being able to listen to others. Taking constructive criticism and turning into a positive is a wonderful ability. Having the ability to open our selves up to the world to critic our end product. True there are going to be some people who don't like it. My son, whom I love dearly, has never once read one of my pieces. To him this is a waste of time. But, to me it is who I am. And, it's sad that he is missing that piece of me. When I write, I write from my heart. Everything is out on the table. I invite comments and critiques. Hey, and if you don't feel like commenting on the blog, send me an e-mail.
In closing I challenge each one of you to take time this week to find something you are passionate about, stay with it (be persistent), keep a good attitude no matter what, reach out to those around you, and most of all pay attention to yourself.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
People Who Need People Are The Luckiest People in the World
Having gone from being Daddy's little girl to being some one's wife shows that I have been leaning heavily on someone most of my life. So, I am not really sure where this one is going but, just stay with me and we will find out. The fourth thing needed for an Extraordinary performance is people according to Behenna. She goes on to say that productivity can be increased by showing appreciation to others. Networking through clubs and organizations also make these much needed "people" connections. And, forming a peer group to brainstorm ideas is yet a third pillar of this stage. Let me look at each of these individually to see if I can come up with a universal truth.
Showing appreciation can increase productivity. Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this in a business or classroom, but how is this going to help me find who I am. After all, Behenna's message could be easily adapted to me until this time. Wasn't finding me supposed to involve me going out on my own and finding my wings. How can I do this if I have to depend on people? And, really, exactly what am I going to show appreciation about? I have thought on this for a while and I realize that showing appreciation doesn't mean that I have to constantly be complimenting someone or brown nosing. It means being able to say "Thank you." even for the smallest things. But, most important you pay kindness forward. Have you ever noticed when you are in a store, if you make eye contact and smile at the clerk they will respond to you. "Just minute and I will be right with you" or "How can I help you?" Sit there and just look around, and yes they may eventually come up to you, but it will take longer unless you have a pro of a salesperson. Try it next time. My children always tell me that I talk to strangers too much. "No one wants to know your life story, Mom. Just get to the point." But, I don't see it as telling my life story, I see it as making a connection. Recently, I bought a pair of ear rings for my daughter to wear at her wedding. I walked into Jared's gave my sweetest smile to a young man and asked where the pearl and diamond ear rings were. As I told him how my son was going to walk my daughter down the aisle because her father had recently passed, he looked at me and took several pair of ear rings back. Then he took me to show me another pair. They were significantly less than I had planned on spending but they were perfect. He told me that his girlfriend had been looking at these and said they were for a really special occasion. I knew that he understood, I needed something not expensive but special. As I completed my purchase, I stopped by and told the manager what an awesome salesman the young man was once again flashing my sweetest smile. Now, the minute I walk the young salesman runs up to me. First, he asks what I need specifically. Then he shows me what he has plus something he has found that he thinks is just "special". Now I know what you are thinking. Tanyia, that is what salesmen are supposed to do. True to a point, but not to the point of personally e-mailing you pictures of new items in stock.
I was once told that I was rude and abrupt. This devastated me and was actually the beginning of the worst year of my life which culminated in the death of my husband. I am not rude. I always say please and thank you. I smile .......a lot. And, I always hold the door for people. Often abruptness is confused with bluntness. They are not the same. I am a call it like I see it girl, not a let me shield your feelings girl. My feeling is if you didn't want an honest answer, you never should have asked me in the first place. Since I have discovered this, I now have no problem going up to strangers and saying, "Hey, you can be perfectly honest with me. I will never see you again. What do you think about...... or How do I look in this?" It is amazing how well this works. After thinking about it, I realized that appreciation is more than please and thank you. It is acknowledging that someone has expertise in an area. Asking them for their honest opinion can be like giving them the power to be an expert in something. And, I don't know about you but I love to feel like I can do something really well.
I recently told my children that I love my dogs, but they are simply not the best conversationalist. Being alone, now means that I have to look to outside sources to exercise my people skills. If I don't I could become the crazy dog lady you see on TV and we all know that we feel sorry for her because she is coo-coo. I don't want pity, I want someone to discuss politics, religion and other controversial topics. I don't want to look glassy eyed in the camera and talk like my dogs are people. They are special wonderful creatures, but not people. Therefore, we need people not just for companionship but to strengthen our minds. When we stop talking our brain stops as well. People keep us sharp. That is why my therapist and friends pushed me to join a photography club and go to the writer's conference. (To be honest I am a bit excited about that.) Then it hit me, it's not depending on people to do things for you, it is having the ability to nourish companionship and allow the neurons in our brain to rapid fire as we engage in conversation. Stepping out of our box means making new connections, meeting new people, opening up....in other words... living again. Yes, it's hard but this can be a wonderful time.
I miss Patrick more than anyone can possibly image. He wasn't the best husband, but he was mine. He was my world. Now I have a new world. I realized that in a way as a widow I have been given a remarkable opportunity. I get the great do-over. I get to roll the dice again and move past go to collect my $200.00. But, to truly find me, I will need guidance, reassurance and love from others. Okay, maybe Streisand had something when she sang People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Showing appreciation can increase productivity. Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this in a business or classroom, but how is this going to help me find who I am. After all, Behenna's message could be easily adapted to me until this time. Wasn't finding me supposed to involve me going out on my own and finding my wings. How can I do this if I have to depend on people? And, really, exactly what am I going to show appreciation about? I have thought on this for a while and I realize that showing appreciation doesn't mean that I have to constantly be complimenting someone or brown nosing. It means being able to say "Thank you." even for the smallest things. But, most important you pay kindness forward. Have you ever noticed when you are in a store, if you make eye contact and smile at the clerk they will respond to you. "Just minute and I will be right with you" or "How can I help you?" Sit there and just look around, and yes they may eventually come up to you, but it will take longer unless you have a pro of a salesperson. Try it next time. My children always tell me that I talk to strangers too much. "No one wants to know your life story, Mom. Just get to the point." But, I don't see it as telling my life story, I see it as making a connection. Recently, I bought a pair of ear rings for my daughter to wear at her wedding. I walked into Jared's gave my sweetest smile to a young man and asked where the pearl and diamond ear rings were. As I told him how my son was going to walk my daughter down the aisle because her father had recently passed, he looked at me and took several pair of ear rings back. Then he took me to show me another pair. They were significantly less than I had planned on spending but they were perfect. He told me that his girlfriend had been looking at these and said they were for a really special occasion. I knew that he understood, I needed something not expensive but special. As I completed my purchase, I stopped by and told the manager what an awesome salesman the young man was once again flashing my sweetest smile. Now, the minute I walk the young salesman runs up to me. First, he asks what I need specifically. Then he shows me what he has plus something he has found that he thinks is just "special". Now I know what you are thinking. Tanyia, that is what salesmen are supposed to do. True to a point, but not to the point of personally e-mailing you pictures of new items in stock.
I was once told that I was rude and abrupt. This devastated me and was actually the beginning of the worst year of my life which culminated in the death of my husband. I am not rude. I always say please and thank you. I smile .......a lot. And, I always hold the door for people. Often abruptness is confused with bluntness. They are not the same. I am a call it like I see it girl, not a let me shield your feelings girl. My feeling is if you didn't want an honest answer, you never should have asked me in the first place. Since I have discovered this, I now have no problem going up to strangers and saying, "Hey, you can be perfectly honest with me. I will never see you again. What do you think about...... or How do I look in this?" It is amazing how well this works. After thinking about it, I realized that appreciation is more than please and thank you. It is acknowledging that someone has expertise in an area. Asking them for their honest opinion can be like giving them the power to be an expert in something. And, I don't know about you but I love to feel like I can do something really well.
I recently told my children that I love my dogs, but they are simply not the best conversationalist. Being alone, now means that I have to look to outside sources to exercise my people skills. If I don't I could become the crazy dog lady you see on TV and we all know that we feel sorry for her because she is coo-coo. I don't want pity, I want someone to discuss politics, religion and other controversial topics. I don't want to look glassy eyed in the camera and talk like my dogs are people. They are special wonderful creatures, but not people. Therefore, we need people not just for companionship but to strengthen our minds. When we stop talking our brain stops as well. People keep us sharp. That is why my therapist and friends pushed me to join a photography club and go to the writer's conference. (To be honest I am a bit excited about that.) Then it hit me, it's not depending on people to do things for you, it is having the ability to nourish companionship and allow the neurons in our brain to rapid fire as we engage in conversation. Stepping out of our box means making new connections, meeting new people, opening up....in other words... living again. Yes, it's hard but this can be a wonderful time.
I miss Patrick more than anyone can possibly image. He wasn't the best husband, but he was mine. He was my world. Now I have a new world. I realized that in a way as a widow I have been given a remarkable opportunity. I get the great do-over. I get to roll the dice again and move past go to collect my $200.00. But, to truly find me, I will need guidance, reassurance and love from others. Okay, maybe Streisand had something when she sang People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Bringing on Your "A" Game
Have you ever had one of those weeks when you look up at the sky and just go, "Really???" This has been one such week. Living alone is an adjustment. And, I have to admit, not being on a 5:00 a.m. wake up call is an adjustment (a wonderful one, but still an adjustment). My body is still thinking that this is my summer and we sleep until 9 or 10. So getting up at 7 and ready for work can be difficult. And, of course, I have the zoo to feed and let out. And, with no help, my morning events begin to run together. Yesterday I woke up and figured it was too early as it was dark in my room only to find that the pool guys had put plastic over my windows and were spraying gunite. Opps, ran late that day. And, today was the crowning blow. Today, I had a 9 am meeting in Houston. Now, if you live outside a big city, you know traffic can be bad and a 25 minute trip during mid-day will take an hour or more during "drive-time". I got up, let the crew out, began doing my hair.....What my Chi won't turn on???? I fiddle with it and finally realize the plug has kicked off so I set the reset switch...Good...Catastrophe 1- averted. Things begin to get back on schedule. I go make coffee and get my clothes out of the dryer. Finish getting ready. Feed the crew and put them in their kennels.....7:29.....THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!! Right on schedule. I sling my bag over my shoulder. Grabbing my IPAD, phone, coffee, and Weight Watcher's Breakfast sandwich I head for the door. It is now 7:35....Quickly, I set the alarm.....Grab the door and I am off. It is not until I hear the door shut behind me that I realize....my keys are on the counter. I can't go to the meeting, I can't go to work, I can't get back into the house. So, like any reasonable woman I grab the door, violently shake the lock and curse loudly as if the magic words "You SOB" will open the door. Oh and did I mention there was a crew working on my pool. They are watching this in amazement I am sure.....well maybe most of them probably didn't speak much English. Yet, there was no doubt I was not a happy camper.
Okay T....This is not going to work. Let's formulate plan B. I will call JR. For those of you who know my son, you know that on several occasions I have had a wee bit of difficulty getting him to answer the phone. I call once.....as usual no answer. Don't panic......I call a second time and a sleepy voice finally picks up. I explain my situation and he says he will be right over. Okay this day can still be salvaged. I sit on my back deck. Flies are on me like old garbage. After a while of swatting them away, I spy some good old Raid Yard Guard. I quickly spray it.....flies leave...Now, I am just left with the heat. I look at the time, it has been 20 minutes. JR should be here soon. Then my phone rings. And, you guessed it it was JR, "Mom where exactly are you and what was the problem again?" ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!
Once again I explain my problem. To make a long story short, I get into the house at 8:45. No longer am I fresh. I have sweat, my hair has frizzed (so much for getting my Chi to work), and to top it off there is no way I can make the meeting. So, I decided to go onto work. And, continued to have a wonderful day. I met JR for lunch at Schlotzkey's where the lemonade machine stuck and over flowed onto the floor as I desperately tried to get it to shut off. I return to work sticky hands and all about half an hour late. Not bad considering all the running around I did. And, I have to admit, as I look back the day wasn't so bad.
Now, folks, that is the power of attitude. I could have gone to work and just had an awful day. But, instead, I brought my A Game. From my luncheon the other day Teresa Behenna stated that attitude was the third key ingredient to becoming extraordinary. And, that is what finding yourself is about. Becoming the extraordinary person God has made, even if we don't realize it. He has made us to do extraordinary things. But, we have to be willing to learn new ways of working. For me, I am going to give a neighbor a key and hide one in a remote location in the event this happens again. Having to depend on a man even if it is my son made me feel helpless and like I took a step back. Next, I need to build relationships with others. I have a very hard time asking for help. I liked to think that I am very self sufficient. However, in reality, I pretty much let Patrick take care of me. So, I must now sow these relationships that in the past I let lay dormant. Back to making sure my neighbors know that although I can be a goof, I am a wonderful goof. Finally, according to Behenna, the third key to attitude is to stay humble, likable and teachable. It is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks and I am not too good to ask for help. But, more than that, I have to be able to let all the garbage kind of just fall off and develop the Scarlett O'Hara philosophy that tomorrow is another day.
So the moral of this story lies at Schlotzskys at the lemonade machine. I just wanted a tad bit put in my ice tea to make it a bit sweeter....Instead I got lemonade. And, that's really not so bad if you are able to flow with the tide. So, bring it on world....I am planning on making lots of lemonade.
Okay T....This is not going to work. Let's formulate plan B. I will call JR. For those of you who know my son, you know that on several occasions I have had a wee bit of difficulty getting him to answer the phone. I call once.....as usual no answer. Don't panic......I call a second time and a sleepy voice finally picks up. I explain my situation and he says he will be right over. Okay this day can still be salvaged. I sit on my back deck. Flies are on me like old garbage. After a while of swatting them away, I spy some good old Raid Yard Guard. I quickly spray it.....flies leave...Now, I am just left with the heat. I look at the time, it has been 20 minutes. JR should be here soon. Then my phone rings. And, you guessed it it was JR, "Mom where exactly are you and what was the problem again?" ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!
Once again I explain my problem. To make a long story short, I get into the house at 8:45. No longer am I fresh. I have sweat, my hair has frizzed (so much for getting my Chi to work), and to top it off there is no way I can make the meeting. So, I decided to go onto work. And, continued to have a wonderful day. I met JR for lunch at Schlotzkey's where the lemonade machine stuck and over flowed onto the floor as I desperately tried to get it to shut off. I return to work sticky hands and all about half an hour late. Not bad considering all the running around I did. And, I have to admit, as I look back the day wasn't so bad.
Now, folks, that is the power of attitude. I could have gone to work and just had an awful day. But, instead, I brought my A Game. From my luncheon the other day Teresa Behenna stated that attitude was the third key ingredient to becoming extraordinary. And, that is what finding yourself is about. Becoming the extraordinary person God has made, even if we don't realize it. He has made us to do extraordinary things. But, we have to be willing to learn new ways of working. For me, I am going to give a neighbor a key and hide one in a remote location in the event this happens again. Having to depend on a man even if it is my son made me feel helpless and like I took a step back. Next, I need to build relationships with others. I have a very hard time asking for help. I liked to think that I am very self sufficient. However, in reality, I pretty much let Patrick take care of me. So, I must now sow these relationships that in the past I let lay dormant. Back to making sure my neighbors know that although I can be a goof, I am a wonderful goof. Finally, according to Behenna, the third key to attitude is to stay humble, likable and teachable. It is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks and I am not too good to ask for help. But, more than that, I have to be able to let all the garbage kind of just fall off and develop the Scarlett O'Hara philosophy that tomorrow is another day.
So the moral of this story lies at Schlotzskys at the lemonade machine. I just wanted a tad bit put in my ice tea to make it a bit sweeter....Instead I got lemonade. And, that's really not so bad if you are able to flow with the tide. So, bring it on world....I am planning on making lots of lemonade.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Art of Persistence
Well, I have just returned from a wonderful weekend in Austin with my daughter. One of the reasons I wanted to get away is that the 21st marked the third month of my husband's passing. Funny word...passing. We pass cars on the freeway, we pass tests, we pass up desserts, heck we even pass the bread and butter. So, the word passing has become a kinder gentler way of saying death. They just pass from one dimension into the next, they pass on into heaven- or so we hope. This trip was difficult as I left my 16 year old Boston Terrier, Missy at death's door as well. She was quite ill when I took her into the vet's office on Thursday. In fact, Dr. Osborne did not belive that she would make it. I cried and cried....Yes, I know it is a dog. But, I had the dog for 16 years and Patrick was the one who picked her out. All I could think was, "Well, he must want a dog in heaven." I believe that dogs go to heaven even though I have been assured by my Pastor they don't. But, as I write today, she is up and moving around. Doing her usual thing, eating and sleeping. Okay folks, she is 16 after all.....well over 100 in human years and old folks sleep a lot. When I picked her up yesterday Vicki, the Vet Tech, told me Dr. Osborne had little faith Missy would pull through. "But, Ms. Conner, I told him Missy always looks like this when she comes in so not to be to hasty."
"Wow," I thought. "Missy's persistance to keep coming back like a Timex was amazing." Remember I told you about the luncheon I went to last week. Well, the second point in success is persistance. And, in finding who we are, we need to be persistant in our quest. Begin asking yourself the had questions. Like, "How can I develop my passion.", "What is out there for me to expand my horizons?"
Over the years, I have told many of my good friends that I really love to write. Like I have previously stated, I have begun a novel, written several poems, and short stories. But, my lone published item was a poem I wrote for my dad which was on the cover of his funeral service. I really had no idea how to go public. Blogging is a great medium for this. But, when I began my blogs that was not why I did it. I really just wanted for other spouses or significant others to know that they weren't alone and for others to realize that grieving is not a short term issue. We have bben living in a huge glass globe and a really big giant has shaken the globe so hard one of the figures is destroyed and now we have to wait for the snow to settle. So, I began writing. But, I have never had anyone really look at my writings to see if they were in deed any good.
As many of you know, I have been in therapy for some time. First it was marital issues, then issues relating to Patrick's illness, and now grief. Dr. B has been after me to get involved in something (her way of saying...Find your passion). As we spoke, I told her I had chosen three activities in which I wanted to become more involved. First, photography, you know I have that really cool camera Patrick gave me for Christmas. Second, Good Shepherd Episcopal Church, I was very involved and had to back off some of the activities. Now I have the time to recommit to them. And, third, writing. As she listened to me and I actually listened to myself, it became apparent that my true passion is writing. She encouarge me to find groups which foster these talents. So, today I took the persistant approach and I have joinded not only a photography club, but am registered for a writier's workshop this weekend. A very good friend of mine called me this morning regarding an article she had seen in the Galveston Daily News regarding a Writer's Workshop near me. After I hung up, I found the article, did the research and am going. I am willing to do whatever it takes to really define my passion.
Persistance..... For so long, I have been so involved in making others comfortable. This includes but is not limited to my husband, my children, my employer, my colleagues and to some point me. I did not persistantly nurture who Tanyia really and truly is. I have to make myself be a little uncomfortable to grow. It's time for me to step out of the box. I am still young enough to persue my dreams. And, you never know one day you may be at the local store and see a book by me....Hey, I remember when I used to read this gal's blog......
"Wow," I thought. "Missy's persistance to keep coming back like a Timex was amazing." Remember I told you about the luncheon I went to last week. Well, the second point in success is persistance. And, in finding who we are, we need to be persistant in our quest. Begin asking yourself the had questions. Like, "How can I develop my passion.", "What is out there for me to expand my horizons?"
Over the years, I have told many of my good friends that I really love to write. Like I have previously stated, I have begun a novel, written several poems, and short stories. But, my lone published item was a poem I wrote for my dad which was on the cover of his funeral service. I really had no idea how to go public. Blogging is a great medium for this. But, when I began my blogs that was not why I did it. I really just wanted for other spouses or significant others to know that they weren't alone and for others to realize that grieving is not a short term issue. We have bben living in a huge glass globe and a really big giant has shaken the globe so hard one of the figures is destroyed and now we have to wait for the snow to settle. So, I began writing. But, I have never had anyone really look at my writings to see if they were in deed any good.
As many of you know, I have been in therapy for some time. First it was marital issues, then issues relating to Patrick's illness, and now grief. Dr. B has been after me to get involved in something (her way of saying...Find your passion). As we spoke, I told her I had chosen three activities in which I wanted to become more involved. First, photography, you know I have that really cool camera Patrick gave me for Christmas. Second, Good Shepherd Episcopal Church, I was very involved and had to back off some of the activities. Now I have the time to recommit to them. And, third, writing. As she listened to me and I actually listened to myself, it became apparent that my true passion is writing. She encouarge me to find groups which foster these talents. So, today I took the persistant approach and I have joinded not only a photography club, but am registered for a writier's workshop this weekend. A very good friend of mine called me this morning regarding an article she had seen in the Galveston Daily News regarding a Writer's Workshop near me. After I hung up, I found the article, did the research and am going. I am willing to do whatever it takes to really define my passion.
Persistance..... For so long, I have been so involved in making others comfortable. This includes but is not limited to my husband, my children, my employer, my colleagues and to some point me. I did not persistantly nurture who Tanyia really and truly is. I have to make myself be a little uncomfortable to grow. It's time for me to step out of the box. I am still young enough to persue my dreams. And, you never know one day you may be at the local store and see a book by me....Hey, I remember when I used to read this gal's blog......
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Developing A Passion
Thinking Outside of the Box
I had the priveledge of attending a luncheon today put on by the Houston Women's Business Initiative. The speaker was the fabulous Theresa Behenna, motivational speaker, author, pianist and recording artist. Her topic was "Extraordinary Performance: The New Norm for Tough Times." Yes, I know this was meant to be a discussion of business in our trying economic times, but her words of wisdom also hit home personally for me as well. She listed 5 points to excellence.
Point 1- Passion
Since the death of Patrick, I have been on auto pilot. All I could think of was, "I have to get through the end of the school year. I have to get through all of Ashley's showers. I have to get through the Rehersal dinner. I have to get through Ashley's wedding." My days have been a blur. It was today when I realized that my passion had become "Just getting through". Not something I am particullarly proud of but that is where I am. So, now I realize that I need to find what I am passionate about.
I enjoy lots of things. Reading, but I don't see myself as part of a book club. Reading what someone tells me to read reminds me too much of school. And it took me several years before I picked up a book for pleasure after I graduated from A&M. So, I do not feel passion is there. I love my animals. A friend of mine told me that my dogs would become very important during this process. She was right. They listen without trying to give me advice. Mr. C even let's me put my head on him when I am crying. And, he has never once told me to stop. He just turns around and licks my face. There are lots of things I could do with my love for animals....volunteer at an animal shelter, work for animal rights, or foster a rescue.
This sounds great, but when would I find the time? Maybe on the weekends, but does that qualify as a passion, then? Maybe not. So after giving this a lot of thought, I have finally decided that my true passions are writing and photography.
Writing requires very little. It can be squeezed in in a few moments and then picked up later when you are free again. That is the beauty of writing. Blogging opens up a whole new world for writing. Not only can you put your feelings down for others, they can comment back to you. Wow that is powerful connecting people. Therefore, I encourage you to comment whether you know me personally or not. Help me exercise my passion.
I want to close with final thought. Do you know what your passion is? What have you done lately to discover who you are? Knowing who we are inside is like Red Bull.....it gives you wings. I don't know about you, but now is my chance. I am going to fly.
Labels: change, passion, starting over, widow
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